The Therapist of Last Resort

New Semester and New Lessons

2012-02-07T07:00:00.000-08:00

Melt downs. This month just completed has involved painful emotions by everyone in my group. Stability has been reached and people are feeling more committed to keeping their heads above water.

Avoiding hospitalization and keeping themselves safe is our primary focus rich now. Finally, I can breathe a sigh or relief that everyone is safe. Everyone is keeping her appointments and with all the pain floating throughout our world they are today more willing to inch forward toward management of their excruciating pain.

What has happened to make it possible to feel more grounded within this painful environment? First, our focus is on staying in the most narrow of the present. What is happening in this very moment here that requires intense response? While we can't change those environmental or external conditions, we can change the way we respond.

We again learning how to stay in this very present moment with the emotions we are feeling and are learning how to lower the intensity of those emotions.

Breathe.

So many changes

2012-02-05T15:42:00.000-08:00

First: I lost my password. So sorry for not posting throughout my exotic, wonderful, shocking and still extraordinarily memorable travels to eastern portions of this world.

Hong Kong is, to quote my traveling friend, a combination of Las Vegas and Rodeo Drive (Beverly Hills, CA) on steroids. It was great, exciting and the location of the Olympics of shopping. The food was amazing and probably the best meal I had was at the home of my host in Hong Kong whose cook prepares meals from her Thai home town.

India was truly awesome. Every day there was another wonderful, overwhelming and breathtaking adventure and now, three weeks after my return, I am beginning to assimilate ALL of my experience throughout that magic land. Again, the food was wonderful. I bought a new wardrobe of stunning formal Kurtis (tunic with pajama pants and flowing scarves). The two most outstanding sights were (needless to say) the Taj Mahal and Ghandi's home.

I am back with my students AND my clients. The stress of our daily lives in 2012 continues to stimulate both pain and challenges AND growth. I will continue to explore all of these topics. Do respond with your own questions.

Staying Sane

2011-06-19T15:15:00.000-07:00

when all about you are loosing it!

Yes! It's been one of those weeks. Little unpleasantnesses. Traffic snarls (what else is new), had to pay taxes out of my LOC - clients are also dealing with financial shorts, the housekeeper twisted the vacuum cleaner chord so I must replace it and the dog has allergies. Sigh. How do I keep my head above water when there doesn't appear to be a raft to grab?

Well, don't swallow the water. Keep dog paddling. Watch for the logs floating by and hold on to the one that will keep me afloat. In other words, make do with what is available. Don't get overwhelmed by the annoyances because there will always be something to challenge the evenness of life around me.

To prepare for the week I took myself to a special gathering this morning and I have just made gazpacho. Yum. The treat was a gathering at The Church in Ocean Park celebrating Juneteenth - the day news of the Emancipation Proclamation reached Galveston, Texas in 1865. While the Proclamation was actually signed in January 1865, the slaves of many states did not learn of this action until June and because that news reached various communities on different days, it is celebrated as Juneteenth, rather than on the 16th or 19th of June.

Recipe for Gazpacho in the next blog.

curiosity counts - A year of the moon’s movement in 2 minutes (via)

2011-06-19T15:14:00.000-07:00

curiosity counts - A year of the moon’s movement in 2 minutes (via)

I Owe Taxes!

2011-06-11T03:10:00.000-07:00

OMG! I never thought I would be sufficiently proficient at my work that I would owe the IRS. While the actual payment is not an easy experience, the fact of having to make that payment is rather amazing. I never thought my skills, my business, my very own self-employment would be so effective that I could be making tax payments.

If only paying these sums would insure that schools would be better, that clinics would not be closing and especially that this payment could in some way lower the tone of the angry dialogue that continues throughout this society. I like to think that the monies I will pay the IRS might contribute to lowering the intensity of the negative discussions I hear from each political group these days.

Sigh. Perhaps my small step of covering my own debt can generate some better feelings for the resources I may be supporting with my small payment.

Oh, well, as we are always advised, keep thinking those good thoughts. At least thinking in a neutral manner won't add to the worry and sadness found today.

Breathe.

June Already!

2011-06-04T14:53:00.000-07:00

Semester is complete and the schedule for the next semester has been shared. Now I've got to find a spot for a real vacation. Every break I've taken this year has been for family events or for continuing education activities and there has been little time for me to sit and simply breathe. As I suggest, taking time to have "nothing to do" is a true luxury we forget is a key element of good health. I have been running so much, taking care of so many tasks that I have been unable to do more than a brief sitting (meditation) every day.

I wanted to go to Tassajara - a lovely retreat center run by the San Francisco Zen Center located about 60 miles east of Monterey. I was advised that summer is NOT the time to visit - it is HOT and there is no air conditioning. Then I planned to visit my favorite simple and not expensive spa in Mexico. It's closing! Sob. The political situation in Mexico and the economy have impacted the program terribly. They don't plan to re-open.

What does one do when the options are daily becoming more limited? At this moment a "staycation" holds great appeal. Low cost, there are innumerable resources in Los Angeles that I have never explored and I won't have to worry about passport, air fare or hotel rates.

Taking care of the therapist is as essential to providing good services to my clients as it is to supporting my own good health.

Grading papers, paying bills and watching birds

2011-05-11T18:56:00.000-07:00

Yep. It's been one of those days - weeks. The papers are great and I have to finish all the reading before 5pm tomorrow. Sigh. I also have three appointments and in the midst of all of this work I have learned that a special friend has died.

She was funny and energetic and she introduced me to birding. I never thought I would enjoy standing in the tall grass waiting for that single winged creature to light on the branch hanging over our hidden spot. She took me with a group of serious birders and I discovered following those creatures could be an exciting adventure.

For most birders, it's about collecting a list of birds they have actually seen. For me it has become a much simpler venture - proof that the world is filled with creatures that I can actually find and view even in my own backyard. I am always amazed when I have seen a feathered friend that is rare and generally not found in this location. I love the feeling that I am part of something so much larger than myself and completely out of my control. After a morning (it is always very early when you can spot those unique birds) waiting for a specific creature to land, I am motivated to be more aware of how my behavior impacts their world. While it may sound trite, birding is a powerful influence on my environmental consciousness.

So this message is a thank you to my friend who died this week. She will continue to live through the birding I include in my days.

Summer Plans!?

2011-05-09T07:01:00.000-07:00

Already? I've been told it's important to have an activity or event to anticipate. It could be going to the JPL open house next week and satisfying that part of me that has fantasies of exploring a whole untouched and in known world.

And then there's the plan to take a five-day retreat in the forests near Monterey and Carmel. Such a beautiful area in which to sit quietly with no access to phone or internet.

In today's world of constant conflict, it is important for us to take care of ourselves in every possible way. We live in very stressful times. Our relationships are challenging and the world outside our safety zone is constantly changing. We must be strong enough to tolerate those unknown events that we confront daily.

Even something as simple as listening a a favorite piece of music or looking at a favorite piece of art provide a momentary sanctuary from the intensity of the world in which we are living. Choosing simple pleasures regularly make it possible to manage those challenges that are also thrown at us everyday.

Today as I walked the dog I passed a van for a floor finishing business. The van was covered with a famous impressionist painting that is one of my favorites. What a spark of pleasure and humor viewing that truck gave me. And because I was aware of that moment of positive feelings, I was able to handle the three intense calls I have managed this afternoon.

Be aware of those moments of pleasure when they happen. It is those moments that make the rest of the intensity tolerable.

A whole Semester!

2011-05-08T13:44:00.000-07:00

I have been so lax - I have spent the past four months preparing for, writing for and teaching my classes in the School of Social work at USC(So. Cal.). Classes are complete for this Spring semester at USC and all that's left is the grading. Sigh.

It has been a truly wonderful semester that taught me as much as I offered my students. Now I get to sort through all the lessons in order to understand what I gained and to enhance the courses for Fall. There is nothing as exciting and simultaneously, as satisfying as participating in the development of new members of the health care community. It is in this experience I get to offer my own experiences as examples of what to do and what to avoid when supporting our clients.

And, yes, the clients - it's always two steps forward and sometimes two steps back. Sometimes it's only one step back and sometimes my clients actually graduate from the hard work of learning how to make the strong choices that demonstrate they are taking good care of themselves.

More later about my lessons and the skills my clients have learned and the next steps in the changes that are ingrained in the work I do.

Procrastination

2011-01-05T07:01:00.000-08:00

Putting things off, waiting for the right time and looking for the correct tools for the job. All because we expect certain things of ourselves.

All the descriptions used to explain why a task is not completed, a call not made or a decision is postponed. There are so many pressures on us to perform, to participate and to be present for too many things. Everyday.

Now that we are looking forward to the twelve months ahead isn't it better to look at the possible and the doable and remember that we can perform very well when we do the very best job possible at this very moment.

Expectations are terrible. They get in the way of simply being present and doing the most effective job possible. When we expect a specific outcome we are projecting our view into the future and we are not staying in the present with completion of the task at hand. Expectations are based on something that may have happened in the past and may possibly happen in the future BUT is not happening at this very moment.

Allow yourself to stay in the present and enjoy the process of performing a task with the best skills we have at this moment.

Breathe.

Now to Make Repairs

2011-01-03T07:01:00.000-08:00

These past few weeks have been filled with all sorts of nasty little incomplete tasks. First, the new chair that looked wonderful but arrived in parts, then there's the printer that still doesn't work and the bathroom that really needs to be painted.

Nuts and bolts, literally do not respond to the pressure I use to put them into their assigned place, drilling usually requires a couple of tries before (third time is a charm, hmm) I get the item installed and plumbing - well it's better for me not to get involved in anything that requires more than a plunger or reaching into the disposal (yes, it's off).

So the new year begins with several items requiring greater skills in construction than I have ever wanted to have. On the other hand, I have become articulate in describing broken furniture, non-functioning cable lines and computer frustrations. I have even become best friends with a few service people in India (not that I ever wanted them to be an intimate part of my life).

All of the above is to say, the best way to manage our lives is to stay in the present, do the best job possible and don't judge ourselves for being human. Forgive yourself and be kind to the people in your life.

Sigh.

Oh, yes, today this terrible new screech started sounding every time I open the refrigerator door.

Happy 2011.

A New Year: Optimism

2011-01-01T14:43:00.000-08:00

A fresh beginning, a new plan, untried options. All of these phrases describe the multitude of possibilities a new year brings. These words can be encouraging AND they can feel like a burden.

Give yourself to permission to not know what may come with this new year. Take the burden of achievement, of all the "musts" and the pressure of completing all those projects, activities and contracts away. Think of the instructions you hear so often: stay in the present. Use one moment at a time. Breathe and allow what is happening simply to happen.

We live in very stressful times and sometimes the only way we can get through the pressures we experience, is to recognize those pressures and NOT respond.

Breathe. Stay in this moment and let go of judgment about anything even yourself.

What does the therapist do

2010-10-20T19:01:00.000-07:00

when she's depressed? Well, there are all the wise and effective tools I teach my clients. I start by reminding myself that taking care of my physical health is the first step to managing emotional turmoil.

Have I been getting enough sleep? A really good question for me because I am not going to bed early enough to get as much sleep as I need. And then I ask my client: what's getting in the way of getting the sleep you must have in order to do the work you want to do? How come I can say all these smart words to my client and then not listen to them for myself? While that is a good question for myself, the real issue is that I am not listening to myself.

How can I be so smart for everyone else and not apply it to myself? It is so hard to change the way I behave. Isn't that the bottom line at this moment on my getting beyond these feelings of sadness, and in the big picture, isn't that exactly why getting better, (for any of my clients) is so tough. The benefit of experiencing my own bout with sadness is that I can more effectively teach my clients the simple and often effective tools for getting rid of the depression.

Now (to me) simply breathe. Fix some of that nice veggie soup you made and watch a little mindless TV and GET SOME SLEEP.

Breathe. It will all work out in whatever fashion it works out.

She's quiting. Again

2010-10-19T15:56:00.001-07:00

That's what happens with my clients. It's hard work. They begin to feel a little stronger, better and even begin to experience a little joy and then life rears it's ugly head and it all feels too much. The desire to shop - not a little nickel dime shopping but some big thousand dollar splurges - or the urge to do some type of self harm - cut or burn - or the desire to break the three month sobriety all become overwhelming.

All of which is part of the process of getting better. Those urges will be there AND in order to continue the healing process my clients MUST sit with that awful feeling. The wonderful part of sitting with that awful urge is that they do survive the urge. Even when it is at its strongest and most painful, the client can choose to maintain her/his sobriety or her abstinence from the harmful behavior.

She or he is stronger for having sat with the urge and has even earned the right to be very proud of her or him self for taking such good care. Getting better is not easy and is not pain-free, but it can be very freeing and the client learns how to be proud of him/herself for such healthy behavior. Oh, yes, she got through that urge to break her sobriety and kept her next appointment.

Here we go again

2010-09-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

New skills. I am in the midst of acquiring more tools for working with my lovely and challenging clients.

Maintaining the license requires getting continuing education units which is fun, interesting and really time consuming. The classes are always scheduled to conflict with my schedule. Right now I am missing the classes I teach on Thursday and Friday. Sigh. I do enjoy those classes.

This seminar is adding to the direction into which I can lead my clients as we work to decrease their pain. This seminar focuses on another means for connecting people with feelings so they learn how other people respond to them. Simple description for a really powerful skill.

In the midst of all these new skills, I am continuing to remind myself to breathe, absorb the information and take a moment to simply be present with what is happening right now, this very moment.

More to come.

Help!

2010-09-23T09:00:00.000-07:00

The therapist needs help! Well actually two types of help.

Among the challenges this summer was the loss of a dear friend who was a long time support. This special person was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and I had to find someone else to provide support. A real challenge for someone who calls herself "the therapist of last resort". Don't I have answers to everything?

This experience has taught me that searching for answers is an indication that I am willing to understand my own vulnerabilities. A tough assignment and one that was not easy for me to learn; however, this summer allowed me to begin the lesson. I am actually excited about the new resources that I have found. The insight and skills I am forced to learn are increasing the support I am able to provide my clients.

On the other hand, I need help adapting to my newly acquired, "Rolls Royce of all computers". Well, that is a bit of an exaggeration, but it is a fine, lovely Mac Book Pro and I am still overwhelmed with its power and functions.

More to come.

Finally

2010-09-21T09:24:00.001-07:00

Summer's over and what a summer it has been.

No long military assignment; however, lots of short heartrending assignments. Wonderfully welcoming soldiers home. At those events I got to open my heart and greet the men and women who are safely home and the families who also came to the events. Then there were the hard gatherings for troops who were leaving in the next three days. Sigh.

Other activities for this summer included getting a new car, getting in a wreck the next day (on my return from a farewell event for the soldiers), dealing with my dog who hates little kids and breaking my watch. From the valuable to the silly. that was my summer.

Now on to a new semester, lovely new classes and more training.

Enjoy the Autumn. More to come.

Summertime and the living is stressful

2010-07-09T09:50:00.000-07:00

Anxiety is high. Expectations get in the way of simply being present with the gifts of today. I must remind myself and be willing to believe that everything truly is okay. My mortgage is current, there is food in the fridge and I can afford to put gas in the car. Sure, I'd love to drive a newer car - after all my car is almost 15 years old and it would be great to have that lovely remodeled bathroom but the things that matter are really alright.

Alright and okay are very powerful places to be. Fantastic and fabulous and spectacular are rare and not very comfortable. Alright, okay and tolerable are solid and enduring. These conditions last a long time and can carry you through times when you are struggling with the unpredictable and unknown future.

Know that you have gotten through times that are equally stressful or more so and you can get through the unpredictable events that lay ahead. Predictability is just as boring as perfection. Embrace the unknown and allow yourself to grow stronger in the experience of tolerating what you cannot control.

Breathe.

Ten suggestions for find joy

2010-07-08T10:02:00.000-07:00

We are surrounded by so many issues that take away from our joy it is difficult to remember there are simple tools for assisting us to find comfort and solace in this world. Below are ten suggestions as a start:

KEYS TO FEELING ALIVE

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes the limits of age, weight and height. Let doctors worry about them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. Negative energy will most often pull you down.

3. Keep learning and stay inspired. Learn about the fine arts, geography, gardening, yoga - where ever your curiosity takes you. Never let the brain idle, keep challenging your brain. An idle mind is the devil's workshop.

4. Practice beginners mind. Enjoy the everyday activities as if they were experienced for the first time.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath…our lives can be so entertaining!

6. The tears will come. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us for our entire lives, is ourselves. Love all your emotions deeply.

7. Surround yourself with what you love; whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies. Your home should be your refuge and sanctuary.

8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you believe you can improve, seek the help of a skilled professional.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the park, to the next city, even to a foreign country; but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people whom you love just how much you love them… at each and every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Back to Basics

2010-07-07T09:46:00.000-07:00

Vacation! What a concept! The military assignment at Ft. Lewis would have been a vacation of sorts - away from the stresses of clients and research reports and especially this home office phone.

So I am dreaming of sitting in the 70 degree sun at a lovely spot thirty miles west of Guadalajara. Today in LA the weather is damp, cool and cloudy and there is construction taking place outside with repair people discussing the project in loud Spanish.

So I remind myself: breathe. Make a cup of tea and enjoy the silence between the workers' comments. Maybe there is a vacation on the horizon. I'll aim for a mini vacation at one of the day spas in Korea town here in LA.

And I continue to think good thoughts about healing myself and staying in this quiet place for a few more minutes.

Breathe.

Hangin' In while I'm Hangin' In

2010-07-06T09:35:00.000-07:00

Still no travel orders! Sigh. However, there is a great event this weekend: the Yellow Ribbon pre-deployment and return support program sponsored by the Army for military families. These are wonderful events where individuals get to learn there are other families experiencing the same stresses they are feeling.

And I get to talk to them about ways to manage these feelings. Breathe. Yes, that is one of the tools I discuss at length. Simply slowing down sufficiently to experience a slow, easy breath can be one of the most healing tools anyone can use.

Breathing is the one thing I must continue to remind myself to do these days. On the one hand I am waiting to hear about my assignment and at this moment not even sure it will materialize. On the other hand, I am focusing simply on being right here in the present moment. The one benefit I have received from this uncomfortable waiting is the knowledge that my clients can see the tools I am teaching in actual use.

Breathe. You are fine, in this moment, in this very place. No words are needed only gentle silence.

Re-Up Now

2010-06-13T15:03:00.001-07:00

When I was growing up in South Carolina I saw that bumper sticker everywhere. It refers to re-enlisting in the Army. There was a huge basic training post very close to my hometown and cars, baseball caps and even notebooks of friends sported that phrase. Obviously when I was growing up I was not about re-enlisting or even enlisting. Yet, here I am re-upping for another summer with the women and men who are preparing to go to Afghanistan.

I am experiencing a bundle of emotions and excitement about joining another group preparing to serve this country. I am eager to be with those individuals and their families - ranging from the littlest children through the siblings of the soldiers to their parents. It is such a satisfying experience being able to offer a kind ear and a warm handshake. I am also anticipating sadness, anger and fear for these soldiers. They will be part of the surge going to Afghanistan in the very near future.

I will focus on sharing my skills for breathing and staying in the moment. While I can't prevent the painful experiences these individuals will experience, I am hoping some of the tools I will share can be supportive.

Breathe. More to follow.

Coming into the 21st Century

2010-06-13T14:54:00.000-07:00

Yeh! I have a new computer. I am re-connected and am eager to share all the events - both heart breaking and kind, challenging and gentle. Mostly I want to offer some insight into the skills gained from surviving the past three months.

Breathe. Yep, same old song but in a different place. Being willing to stop and take a deep breath prevented some potentially nasty encounters from becoming legal hassles and it also made tolerating some very challenging events possible.

So here I am with a new computer. Ready to connect on almost too many levels and ready to share all the excitement about some of the soon to begin new assignments.

I am off to a new job with military families in one week.

Much more to be shared about that experience in the coming weeks.

Breathe, the weather is beautiful, the mortgage is current and there is dog food.

Rainy Day Soup

2010-03-10T07:00:00.000-08:00

Perfect day for making soup and I have a fridge filled with celery, carrots and mushrooms as well as grains, onions and chicken stock.

Soup day! I made a sofrito (Italian for the soup or sauce base of chopped carrots, celery, onions and garlic) I added part of two dried Santa Fe red peppers, Israeli couscous, chopped canned tomatoes and chicken sausage and after the vegies had softened and the sausage released some of its juices, I added about 1-1/2 tsp of salt, the chicken stock, tomatoes and about 1/3 cup of red wine. Finally, after these ingredients had simmered for a few minutes I added about a pound of previously sauteed chopped mushrooms.

While it will be better after it is cooled (in fridge overnight) and reheated, I must say, this first bowl is quite good.

Make soup - it's a rainy day.

Dear President Obama

2010-03-08T07:00:00.000-08:00

Daily I am listening to the enormous criticism raining down on you and your administration. I am angry that even the people who are ready and eager for change should be so disrespectful of the enormous job you have accepted.

Your willingness to tackle such nasty, huge and complex problems is not only impressive, but reassuring. Your ability to accept responsibility for taking each step to implement change is mature AND wise.

I support your desire for change and I am doing what I can to make my own small space more receptive to change.

Thank you for being so competent and willing to be such an incredible model for adult behavior. Thank you for being my President.

Respectfully submitted,

Susan T. Lindau, LCSW

Catching Up

2010-03-06T14:29:00.000-08:00

Where did January and February go?

How did I get so busy? Now I, the therapist of last resort must confront my own emotional overwhelm. I have just learned some very sad news about someone very important to me, a special friend who has been support, counsellor, advisor and, in many ways, more a mother than my own mother was.

How will I deal with her terminal illness? What can I do to help myself? I am feeling both the crushing pain of loosing her and the anguish of living without her support after she is gone.

I can only do what I tell my clients. Stay present. Remember the lessons learned from this relationship. Respect those lessons. I can honor our long relationship by sharing the lessons I learned from her. I can express my sadness in a way that teaches others how to manage their own pain.

A New Year

2009-12-28T12:29:00.000-08:00

What a year of changes! Both professional and personal aspects of my life have changed,become richer and more satisfying. If I were asked to identify only one experience that has enhanced my life in 2009 I would have to identify the work with soldiers and their families.

I have learned so much about integrity and bravery and my own sense of patriotism has been refined. I am more thoughtful and circumspect. I find myself responding with more awareness to issues on which I previously had fixed opinions. I look forward to working with more soldiers and the significant people in their lives in this coming year.

As this new year opens it is possible to face it with apprehension about tasks yet undone or with fear about the unknown and unexpected and those negative feelings would get in the way of simply owning this present moment. All we ever really have is this very moment here. Energy invested in the possibility of what might happen or on the other hand focusing on assignments not completed takes our awareness away from what is really happening in the present.

Breathe and accept this moment as all that we ever need or own. Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to the creatures - all sentient beings - in your life. And, most important of all, laugh.

HELLOOOO

2009-12-27T14:04:00.000-08:00

Congratulations!

We got through those challenging days. I survived by doing some actually pretty silly things including gazing at the moon, eating lots of chocolates and watching several thrillers. The closest I got to Christmas spirit was the snow in several of the scenes in the thrillers.

Now it's about breathing and being gentle with ourselves. Maybe even getting files and records ready for the next semester.

Nicest of all is that I am returning to a project started many years ago that was interrupted by a marriage, family crises, a move to Southern California and a change of careers. This adult fantasy is great fun, light, minimal heart break and focuses on dreams of environmental and political peace.

The remainder of this break from office and classroom is a little cooking; I'll get the leak in the bathroom fixed and finally replace that worn-out, broken toaster oven.

Keep thinking those good thoughts AND breathe. Gently enjoy the crisp clean are and the scents of pine in the air. Be of good cheer.

Short Story

2009-12-05T10:10:00.000-08:00

Hello

My short story has been posted at http://rosecitysisters.blogspot.com/2009/11/30-condolence-calling.html. Do read it. For laughs.

More about getting through the holidays later.

Smudging - discussion will be posted later.

Keep thinking good thoughts.

The most wonderful time of the year?

2009-11-28T14:31:00.000-08:00

Not really. These next few weeks are the most challenging of the year. I am always confused about why we must call it the "most wonderful time of the year". Everyone is under pressure to be "joyous" of to spread happiness and gifts. Not really easy this year and that's the point of this blog today.

First, know that these days are rough and it's okay to acknowledge you're not up to the task of making everyone joyous. Do something for yourself: take a deep, gentle breath and sit quietly with a cup of tea or hot chocolate. Be easy on yourself. You can actually provide a lot more happiness for the people around you if you are finding some peace within yourself.

Take care of yourself. Breathe. Take a walk and watch a funny movie. If you can go to the movies, see The Fantastic Mr. Fox. You will get through the next six weeks and then it's a whole new year.

Tough Days Ahead: Keep breathing

2009-11-11T10:00:00.000-08:00

There're back. Those darkest days of the year. First there's Thanksgiving and eating. Then there are those school and office and neighborhood parties then Chanukah and Christmas and Kwanza and then the New Year. How does anyone get through these days? How does someone who is struggling with depression manage the holidays. What about the families whose soldier is away in training or in Iraq or in Afghanistan?

Sure you can "get through it". But what does that mean? Using every artificial support you can find or doing the whole macho bit of "barrelling through" without a thought about anything except hanging on until January 2? There really is a better way, sometimes an easier way but definitely a way that doesn't add to the sadness that often accompanies the holidays.

First step is to breathe. yes, something as simple as taking a moment to experience that full deep breath before saying anything or taking any action. Then remember there are people who care about you and people who can offer support. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Telling someone you need support is a very brave step. It is the first step to getting through these coming challenging weeks.

Keep breathing. More ideas to be posted.

Hello from the woods!

2009-11-10T16:00:00.000-08:00

The intensity of the past few days reminds me that as far as we may be from Afghanistan or Iraq or Bosnia we are all touched by the lives that are disrupted in those and all the other conflicts occurring around the globe.

It is important to remember that we can make a difference for both our soldiers here at home and abroad and for ourselves. We can make a difference by being kind to each other, by understanding we all experience confusion and pain about the events at Ft. Hood or at the office building in Orlando or the lack of services from the telephone company. We can't take the gun away from the person racing through the office building but we can look at our own anger and take control of those intense feelings.

When we take responsibility for our own feelings, we are able to show our children that anger does not require destructive behavior. We show ourselves and our loved ones that negative emotions can not only be controlled but can be channeled into constructive action.

The most important way in which we can care for ourselves is by being kind to ourselves, being gentle during these painfully stressful times. Those non- judgmental behaviors will spread beyond ourselves to everyone we touch. Sometimes a pebble in a pond can create a tsunami. The wave of easy, soft feelings we share can soothe others' firey pain.

Breathe

Thank you

2009-09-07T12:24:00.001-07:00

I learned from you all. The Army spouses who were willing to share their 20 years of experience with newer wives and husbands, the Sgts who talked about the tasks of preparing to leave their families for the next rotation and the soldiers who were leaving the new baby only six weeks old or their children just starting the fifth grade or high school. You were generous with your experiences and your warmth and concern and your love of this country brings tears to my eyes.

I look forward to being with you again. You are all in my thoughts and prayers and daily I send you the best I can offer. Thank you for all you do for this country.

I'm Home

2009-09-07T12:16:00.000-07:00

It has taken too many days to re-adjust to life outside the Army post. What an amazing experience. What a satisfying, challenging and heart-rending summer and I am ready to return.

How often we spend our time thinking getting that newest car or the fancy dishwasher or the best meal at the hottest restaurant is what really matters. And those jobs where getting that final perfect shot (after 23 earlier shots of the same action) must be completed before we can wrap for today. Or thinking that something as simple as saying "good morning" to someone else who is walking her dog is a big risk.

These are the sorts of thoughts with which I have been filling my time since my return from the summer with the soldiers, their parents or spouses and siblings. These beautiful young women and men who are readying for their next assignment down range touch me deeply. I can not measure the impact I may have had, I only know I gained so much from the work with all of the people at Ft. Bragg.

Thank you all for being such an important part of my education. Thank you for giving me so much to share with my students.

New Boots

2009-08-17T07:00:00.000-07:00

They look like really nice hiking boots. Brown suede with thick black rubber soles that reach up the sides approximately two inches and there is a thick leather collar right next to the ankle bone on these shoes. When these boots are issued the soldier is instructed to wear them now to avoid the problems that might come with impressively engineered boots.

She told me they were more comfortable than the old heavy desert boots and they are actually built in proportion to woman's feet. She told me that this new boot even with the shorter ankle support, was more comfortable and stronger than the heavy desert boot. Her old ankle injury felt even better in these new boots.

How interesting that the uniform the soldiers are now wearing are actually based on ergonomically appropriate construction. That is, the boots are now built for the unique structure of each gender's foot. With all the stress of being down range there's something reassuring about knowing that the boots they are now receiving provide the real support for those hard working feet.

They're Leaving

2009-08-15T19:30:00.000-07:00

She's saying goodbye for only a while to her fiancee. He's patting his son on the back but he dare not open his mouth to speak. She watches as her brother puts his enormous pack with all the gear on his back. The young woman over there, the one with the amazing blue eyes holds the hands of her fiancee. They are both assigned to Afghanistan but at different ends of the country.

This group is going down range tonight. They've been waiting in the hanger as the final clearance is performed for the aircraft that will fly them to Germany. The Sgt. has passed out the medication they will be taking daily throughout the deployment. The predictable joking is heard as the bottles are passed to the individuals to whom they are assigned. She popped the top and a handful of pills spilled. No one will admit to the anxiety that is thick enough in the hanger it could be cut like cheese.

The Dfac (dining facility) provides a last hot meal - roast beef, baked potatoes and rice, green beans, salad with choice of dressings. There is fruit - apples, oranges and for the first time since I've been eating at the Dfac there are peaches and plums. Packaged cookies, snack bars and a variety of chips are also offered. The food might not be haute cuisine it is basic, familiar and the troops are encouraged to take multiple servings to get them through the 18 hours (or more) of travel time.

My instructions to myself for this deployment: Focus on this moment here. Don't think about when the plan may be ready. Don't focus on where the troops are going. Just stay present. Breathe.

Homecoming vs. Reunion

2009-08-11T07:00:00.000-07:00

There is a difference. Homecoming is the joy of seeing your loved one for the first time in fifteen months. It is those ecstatic moments and hours when you connect for the first time and realize he or she is really back with you. Then the hard part begins.

Reunion is a process. It begins before the loved one - parent, spouse, partner, child or sibling - actually arrives. There is the combination of relief that she or he has survived and is returning; there is the expectation that it will be so good to have this loved one back and there is the worry. This worry is also a real part of the return.

The reunion involves adjusting to the changes that have inevitably occurred during the soldier's deployment. One partner has assumed new responsibilities while the other has filled his or her responsibilities down range. Each partner has made adjustments and changes. Sometimes these changes are happening for the third or fourth time because the soldier has been deployed multiple times.

The greatest pressure on families and loved ones comes from the expectations everyone has about how "it will be" now that he or she has returned. Expectations are based on events that have happened in the past and MAY happen again in the future. But these events are NOT happening at this moment. One instruction for managing the process of reunion is: "stay in this present moment."

Welcoming them Home

2009-08-09T18:46:00.000-07:00

This night which begin with arriving at the empty hanger at 3AM ran from anxious expectation to overwhelming love. The last soldiers from the brigade with which I have been working returned from Iraq at 4:30 AM Thursday.

There was a Southern summer rain storm raging until approximately ten minutes before the doors opened to let the soldiers off the plane. As they walked down the stairs into formation the rain stopped. The soldiers then marched into the hanger where we were all waiting and the commander officially thanked them and welcomed them home.

They were given approximately 15 minutes to hug and kiss their families, their children, their parents and siblings and then they piled onto the bus to go back to the brigade headquarters to pick up their gear. Some of the soldiers didn't have family greeting them and my beautiful assignment was to provide some of the warmth a family might provide. What an amazing experience!

This night was so beautiful. I am so blessed to have been part of their homecoming.

The Army as Fashion Trend Setter

2009-08-04T09:00:00.000-07:00

First the fabric is lovely. Wrinkle proof, color that blends in and goes with every environment and the cut of the pants and tops is excellent. It used to be that there was a terrible olive green for the basic uniform - think MASH - then there was the pattern designed for jungle wear - Viet Nam or Grenada but now, now our computers have created a sleek pixilated print that serves in all terrains.

But the cut of these 2009 uniforms is really outstanding. Fitted through the hips and waist, stylish cargo style pockets on the legs and the pockets the army has so intelligently added on the sleeves of these tailored tunics. . . well, finally the soldiers can keep their pens on the sleeves right where the writing utensil should be for immediate use.

The biggest innovation is not the fine pattern of the fabric or the addition of those smartly placed useful pockets but the very nicely tailored uniforms for the pregnant soldiers. The first time I saw the maternity outfit I didn't realize the reason for the wider tunic was pregnancy. How impressive this change in styling is for all soldiers as well as for those female soldiers who continue to serve throughout their pregnancies.

Yes, this job is not easy nor is it ever stress-free but at least now the outfits add a little pizazz to the work environment.

His x-box, Her Cats, Flood Insurance

2009-07-29T09:00:00.000-07:00

Her cats eat the plants. What can she do to protect the plant she is picking up on her drive back home? Maybe a philodendrine placed with the aloe vera she is retrieving. The cats might stay away from that poisonous plant, then again, cats can be clever. Her flood insurance has gone up. Last year the floods kept her in her home for six weeks but, fortunately there was no damage.

We talked about these issues and how well her son had done in his training to become a Medic. She was deservedly proud. He had not done well in high school; in fact, he had just barely graduated and then he got this assignment when he enlisted and he has shone. She talked about how proud she is of his taking on this assignment and she talked about how relieved she is that his father is also down range. They may even be together in Afghanistan.

And there were the tears. Her son is being deployed tonight. At midnight. He is nineteen years old. She was embarrassed when she became tearful and then she said, "Oh, it's okay for you to see them. You're the person with whom I can cry."

She expressed in her simple observation the job for which I am at this Army base. She is an Army wife AND mother. Her experience and her training have prepared her for her husband's absence and her son's deployment and she has intense feelings for which the military culture has not given her permission to display. I am with her at breakfast and I can admire her strength and I can see the intensity of her fear for the safety of her son and her husband. My job is to validate these powerful feelings and to remind her of the impressive job she is doing to take care of her son and her husband.

Oh, yes, the x-box. She will take her son's x-box to his high school pal to use while the son is in Afghanistan.

NC Summer Heat, Breathing, Yoga

2009-07-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

Maintaining my yoga and sitting practice is a challenge here. The temperature, the numbers of meetings I must attend AND the Southern cooking (issue for another post)and without those breaks, working in this environment is not easy. And the summer heat adds to my own stress.

Keeping up my yoga and sitting practice make it easier for me to deal with the silly things I find myself in the midst of every day: I can not easily find my way around this base. I count the day a major success when I don't get lost at least once.

When I haven't done yoga, I find myself expressing my stress in painful ways: last week I smashed my thumb in the car door. Oh, I'm okay but it was another reminder that I had not taken the time to just breathe and really figure out where I was supposed to go before heading out of the car to find out where I was! Then the day I arrived back at the hotel in the midst of that torrential rain storm, I locked my keys in the car.

Everything turned out fine. I learned my lesson and I am now signing off in order to do some yoga and sit.

Keep breathing.

It's All About Being Prepared

2009-07-26T15:20:00.000-07:00

Being prepared for the predictable: equipment and knowing how to reach each other through e-mail, cell phone, twitter or even the family blog. And then there's preparing for the predictable, unpredictable: the new baby will arrive while he's deployed or the six year old will get strep throat while staying with the soldier's mother. Or even the being prepared because the soldier is deployed during the Jewish New Year and mom wants the two little girls to go to services at a congregation near this Army base.

All of these situations have been presented to me in the past two weeks. I am a problem solver so I eagerly take on the challenge of finding resources that will help the stateside family members move through these issues. The objective is to insure that the soldier doesn't also have the added stress of family situations she or he can't control.

Sometimes the best solution is simply to get the family members to talk to each other. This conversation can ease the frustration of not knowing for the distant member as well as for the parent or grandparent and even the child who is here in the states.

As much as I rail against cell phones, the ability to contact each other, to speak to her spouse or his mother is a very powerful tool in managing the stress of these deployments.

Keep breathing.

Summer Rain, Coloring Books and Passports

2009-07-19T14:55:00.000-07:00

Sounds pretty innocent, doesn't it?

This week I spoke to at least eight different groups of soldiers, their wives, their parents and their children. Sometimes the group included all of these different people and sometimes the briefing was for the soldiers alone. One group at which I appeared to describe the support we provide was a briefing on maintaining computer security. Another briefing directed to soldiers and their families included instructions on communicating with their families in a manner that does not reveal any information that could be used against the troops.

What is really wonderful about these briefings is the acceptance I am receiving from the officers who want this information about support spread widely. On the other hand I am working with a cultures which until very recently has not accepted the psychological impact of the trauma the soldiers confront daily while down range.

The families are given coloring books and crayons so that with their children they can discuss the experience of a parent or both parents leaving on deployment. The spouses are instructed to get their children's passports in case they must leave the States to be with their injured spouse. And through all of this information there was a summer thunder shower that reminded me of one aspect of summer in the South for which I have yearned.

Dirty Diapers, Two dogs and a Cat and Deployment

2009-07-13T17:31:00.000-07:00

They are a young couple. It's such a romantic story. They met, got pregnant and married within two months of meeting. And now the baby boy is here, they have roaches and he's being deployed to Afghanistan next week.

This couple has enough stressful events to try a couple with ten years together. They came to me so that I could wave the magic wand of counseling and fix everything so that he could leave for his assignment with only the so-called normal fears. Of course she is scared of what may happen to her husband and naturally he is worried too.

The first instruction I gave them is to identify what you are feeling and tell him or tell her. He was reminded that it is okay to be scared of what he is facing in his deployment. That fear does not diminish his strength or bravery. Acknowledging that you are afraid is another way of being strong. You can't take care of yourself and it is hard to accept the fear she may be feeling if you are unable to admit what you are feeling.

After his predictable mumbling about not feeling that sort of thing and her embarrassment about acknowledging she's scared to tell him she's mad at him for leaving, they actually accepted that these feelings are close to what they have been experiencing.

I want to put my arms around them and protect them both from the anxiety and fear they will be facing in the next weeks. And I look at them and see two lovely people who do love each other AND their country and are doing what together they hope is best for themselves and THEIR country.

Jumping and Bar Tending

2009-07-12T18:26:00.000-07:00

She has completed ten jumps in the process of becoming a paratrooper. She has a BA in psychology and plans to use her military benefits to pay for graduate school. She is supplementing her income working during the weekend. And she is depressed. Unlike my clients back in LA we can't talk about solving the stresses of this job by figuring out a conversation with her supervisor.

The culture of work in the military is you do the job you signed on and don't ask questions. My assignment is to help her accept that that's the way the Army operates. What can I say to her to help ease this emotional pain? We talked about simple tasks: breathing, stretching AND NOT drinking.

After five days on this Army base I have attended four briefings where alcohol use was discussed and the troops were given directions for recognizing signs of abuse. Substance abuse is always a risk. While I am not certain how many of my ideas will be useful, I do know that she found enough support in our conversation that she is meeting with me again.

Keep Breathing!

A Red Bird and a Black dog

2009-07-10T09:00:00.000-07:00

As I talked to an officer in the middle of a rotation to Ft. Bragg from an assignment in Hawaii when a cardinal flew by us. It was a breathtaking experience. I responded with amazement and our pleasant chat took a turn to the much more personal. I explained how awestruck I was by the appearance of the red bird. This is a bird that is not seen in California and it has been years since I saw one that close. How wonderful that something so natural could create such a powerful connection.

Later I turned the corner around the building on my exploration and exercise around the family resources center and saw another officer walking a stunning black lab that was wearing a blue service dog halter. I had to ask him about his dog and I learned the wonderful story of how he had acquired his dog. Because Pilot had failed his test to become a guide dog for a non-sighted person, he was available for this soldier who is recovering from his own injuries, to adopt. A dog who was unable to achieve the level of skills required for one job was available to support this man in learning how to live as the person he has become as a result of his was experience.

How wonderful are healing powers we find in our world when we are receptive to them.

Power of Attorney, Wills, Who's got the car keys?

2009-07-09T18:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I took part in a briefing for soldiers preparing to deploy for Afghanistan before August 15. Before August 15! How reassuring that date when these men and women and their families can't know precisely when their loved ones will be leaving.

Yes, they are leaving. It's part of the job. And my assignment is to provide support to these troops and their spouses as they take those very uncomfortable steps of writing the will and insuring that a power of attorney for health care is in place. I am railing against the pain these families endure as an aspect of their spouse's employment contracts AND they know that these tasks must be completed.

While I have met a few husbands who will be staying behind, most of the spouses with whom I have had contact have been female, young and frequently caring for very young children. I am impressed with their strength and their warmth as they prepare for this deployment, often the third or fourth time out.

The commitment of these spouses to their partner's chosen work is teaching me about endurance, love and patriotism. The soldiers continue to perform their assigned jobs because they know that the work is bigger and more important than anything else they could do at this time.

And so it begins

2009-07-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

My tour around Ft. Bragg, described as the largest Army installation in the world covered only a small portion of the entire facility. By the time I had seen the various sites at which I will be providing briefings about the support I can offer, the location of "my brigade" and the assorted mini malls serving the troops, my head was swimming.

My job requires that I produce government issued ID and official permit to enter every time I come onto the base. I must also wear the name tag issued by the organization that is supervising my work. I am both reassured by the level of security and somewhat uncomfortable with the data the security personnel have about me. I have admitted to my actual birth date(!)and now must contend with exposing that information every time I arrive on base.

Monday was described as a "training day" with very few troops on Base. The Army is willing to provide another day off when a holiday occurs on a weekend but I was warned that Tuesday, when the full force of personnel is back on base I will spend part of my day looking for parking. Oh, well, I've had extensive experience with that obstacle in LA.

There is so much more to learn. Tact, diplomacy and empathy are the first tools I must use with the objective being that individuals I encounter will be willing to receive the information I can provide.

Ft. Bragg, NC. July 5

2009-07-06T18:04:00.000-07:00

Wet, cloudy and the summer heat made walking to and from each building to which I was guided felt like walking through a steamy sauna.

I had forgotten about the muggy part of Southern summers but I remembered my umbrella. First time I've used it in many months (there's a drought in California) and it was actually a not unpleasant reminder of growing up in South Carolina.

The military culture has for years been unsupportive of identifying and especially in preventing the problems that rise from the intense, brutal experiences the troops experience in warfare. I am joining a group of social workers, marriage and family therapists and psychologists (all of us licensed) who are committed to offering education on how to prevent the pain of the combat experience from becoming unmanageable. I am excited about the challenge of introducing the support we provide to individuals for whom the idea of this aid is anathema.

More to come

Off to see the Wizard

2009-07-02T16:14:00.002-07:00

Or Whomever.

Tomorrow I go to Ft. Bragg, North Carolina to work with National Guard and Reservists and their families. I'm scared and anxious and very excited. I look forward to using the skills I have developed through all these years of social work. I also anticipate a true challenge of working in an environment where self-sufficiency as well as cooperation among team members are essential to the performance of any tasks these Reservists and Guard members perform.

Right now the details with which I am concerned are small by comparison with the work I will be assigned. I know that I am being asked to provide support and education. As simple as those activities seem, I am required to give this information and guidance in a fashion that supports the culture of the armed forces.

So here I am off to a wonderful, stimulating and challenging adventure. Oh, yes, the temperature at Ft. Bragg today is 96 degrees Farenheit. Hmmm.

My instruction to myself is: Keep Breathing.

2009-07-02T16:14:00.001-07:00

Another one on Getting through today

2009-06-20T09:00:00.000-07:00

It's gotten worse. I have the shorts, as it were. Clients not showing up, others dropping out because they lost their insurance and everyone else wanting their own chunk of change. Taxes here, office rent there, and more tea for the office. And the dog needs to be fed and get his rabies shots.

Those are only the financial stressors. I know they will stabilize - and I will get through this money crunch. My mindfulness practice keeps me focused and even helps to keep me less overwhelmed with worry. I remind myself, when I start chewing on fears of being tossed out of my office that at this very moment here, I am okay. I keep breathing. I take another deep breath, and take the dog out for a walk.

Believe it or not, it does help. I recognize the things I can control, accept the things I cannot change and see the difference between the two. It's what people in 12 step programs call the serenity prayer and what I call radical acceptance.

At this moment, that's all the guidance I have. Keep breathing.

Coming home for the vet ain't easy

2009-06-17T14:01:00.000-07:00

Coming home for the vet ain't easy.

Has my family changed? Will the kids know who I am? Does my wife still love me? Nothing's the same. And I don't feel like I belong. Why am I biting everyone's head off?

Last weekend I had my first assignment to meet with and provide information to vets and their families. These returned vets have been back from Iraq for about three months. They were gathered at a two day meeting called a reunion during which they attended required briefings. These briefings were designed to assist them in the transition to civilian life. Family members were also invited so there were partners, a few children and parents all in attendance.

One of the encounters that touched me the most was with the mother of a vet who had been taking care of his children. She talked about the little things that had happened in her home since he returned and described some of the challenges she faced. "It's tough getting him to just sit. He's always wanting to make changes" and then she described a situation with his car.

His car had been sitting for over a year; it had been started regularly but that's not the same as being used everyday. She said he insisted he could fix the problem. It wouldn't start.

After spending two full days working on the car he agreed to take it to the shop. She talked about how hard it was to persuade him to take the car in for repairs. "He used to listen to my advice. Now he ignores me. Now he just doesn't talk."

After listening to her and understanding the challenges she is facing, I knew I could give her a little relief. There are many resources available for vets and their families. My job is to help her feel okay about reaching out to these resources. "Thanks for this number. I'll call them when I get a chance," she told me.

"Why not give them a call on Monday?" She smiled shyly and nodded as she walked away and I felt optimistic that this family would accept the support they deserve.

Rest & Recreation

2009-06-10T09:00:00.000-07:00

It's time for me to get away. After the number of meltdowns to which I have been an active observer, I need to find a space where I can find some silence.
My yoga and sitting practices make it possible for me to continue to work with these clients, there comes a time when I need a space away from phones, car sounds and the phone. I a peace that is both internal and external. This type of break is essential to continuing to care for my clients.

I am able to remain calm and even quiet when a client in my office is traversing an emotionally overwhelming experience. I can feel their pain and I can validate them for the intensity of what they are feeling. And I must take care of myself so I can continue to offer that support.

I am searching for a spot where I can simply attend to my physical needs and allow my psychic health to be enhanced by quiet, good food and beautiful space. This location must also be within easy access by car. I may have found it. Now anticipating confirmation is part of my pleasure in planning for my essential break from work.

So I simply breathe and take care of myself.

What Makes a Lie a Lie?

2009-06-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

What makes a statement a lie? First there is the obvious - the information given is not accurate. The most frustrating lie though comes from information withheld. Figuring out the truth in a statement that is not factual is often easier than understanding what is accurate when the speaker has not responded completely.

I have been chewing on this topic for several days as I work with various degrees of accuracy I hear from my clients. How do I teach these individuals to communicate with integrity? I request accuracy; responses are factual and without judgment. No value assigned to information provided. I direct people to reframe statements so that they include only accurate details without judgment. Emotions can be a powerful influence on honesty.

To learn clear truthful communication, examine the following thoughts. What does it mean to be honest with yourself? How can you be truthful and care for yourself if you are always worrying about taking care of someone else? The only way to guarantee your own integrity is always to be accurate in communication with yourself. The place from which to initiate integrity for yourself is with yourself. We can't always depend on genuine honesty from other people, but we must be able to invest in the truths we tell ourselves.

Culture of Trauma

2009-06-08T09:00:00.000-07:00

Trauma. It's a word, an event, an experience that creates overwhelming fear for your life or the life of someone dear to you. It might be a personal event so terrifying that you can't shake the fear even though it has ended. Trauma is unpredictable and frightening. It may be the fires here in Southern California or the horrors of the conflict in Iraq.

How do we live with these overwhelming feelings? What can we do to let go of the enotional intensity?

Breathe. First start with where you are. Ask yourself: "at this very moment, am I safe? Can I tolerate the place, physical and psychic space in which I find myself at this very moment?" This instruction and this question is the beginning of finding a moment of safety in this overwhelming world. Be present. Stay here. When your mind begins to move to the fearsome possibilities that are out there, bring yourself back to this very moment. Stay in this moment which is safe.

Breathe. Gently let your breath keep you in this safe moment and the gentle place in which you are now sitting. Breathe.

Telephone Calls: To Answer or Not

2009-05-31T09:00:00.000-07:00

The phone sounds that double ring that lets me know it's client. Two doctors on Grey's Anatomy are just debating going into the on-call room. We all know what that means. AND I have to answer the phone?

That's my own debate. I know how to talk to my clients, how to reassure them and how to discourage them from doing anything to hurt themselves. Is it fair that I should now interrupt my evening to use these skills? Of course I do answer the phone. They know I will stay on the phone for only ten minutes. As a result, they present their problems concisely and immediately.
After she has described her crisis, I ask my client what she has done to take care of herself. Right Now. We discuss suggested alternatives from her skills notebook. She is usually able to offer steps that are exactly right for her.

While I serve as a sounding board, these telephone calls give the client an opportunity to experience her own power in managing intense pain. Once we have identified a satisfactory solution and agreed on action she will take, the telephone call ends. She has found mastery and feels safe. In ten minutes or less, my client has found a way to tolerate her pain, in the moment.

Oh, yes, at the conclusion of this conversation, I am able to pick up Grey's Anatomy where it was paused. Because it is recorded, I avoid advertising and can answer those calls without missing the guilty pleasure of that wonderfully mindless fluff.

Lying Part III: Does it Really Matter?

2009-05-30T09:00:00.001-07:00

What happens when a client lies? How do I feel if I suspect s/he is not telling me the truth? Will this inaccurate information get in the way of my working with her or him?

I have a client who regularly exaggerates events in her life. She tells me about the elegant Hollywood parties she is catering. I want to accept this report a factual but she is unable to tell me about the menu or the kitchen in which she will cook. As a former caterer, I have suspicions that this party may not exist.

Another woman reveals only limited information about events in her life. This omission is another form of lying. I am unable to effectively support her in learning to solve problems in her relationships or employment. How effective can I be as a professional, as her counselor, if she does not give me a valid picture of her life?

When I call her on not giving me a complete picture, she stated she wants me to see her as managing her life. I wonder out loud, since everything is going so well, what purpose is served in seeking my support?

Her answer does not produce more accurate information but does motivate her to tell me that she’s afraid she’ll be rejected if she’s not perfect. I don’t use the term "lying" when I discuss the way these clients provide information. I use the concept integrity. For me, Integrity is the foundation for all healthy relationships.

List Making

2009-05-29T09:00:00.000-07:00

Making Lists
something I rarely do
and yet so very reassuring

Measuring out my life with check marks for tasks completed

What do I list
tasks to complete
calls to make
groceries to buy

and when they are checked off
what have I accomplished?

measures based on numbers of tasks completed
a life contained in the activities that
can be counted and measured

so reassuring
tangible
not abstract
visual and contained.

Trauma, Fear, Uncertainty

2009-05-28T09:00:00.000-07:00

Trauma, fear and uncertainty: words with which we are confronted daily. Perhaps you have just been told that your department is being downsized (terrible word). Even more painful, you have been asked to stay while some of your colleagues are told to leave. You watch as people pack their desks wondering when will you be asked to leave AND you still have a job. For how long?

In this environment of uncertainty it is important to care for yourself and for the people you care about. How do I care for myself when I am feeling so overwhelmed? Breathe. At this very moment you can take care of yourself by being busy helping your colleagues. Be sure you know how to reach those people with whom you worked so that you can share resources.

Share your own uncertainty and fear. Your partner, spouse and close friends need to know how you are and what is happening with you. Their support is important in this time of change. Ask for help. Sometimes the most important support is simply in finding the right person to listen to you. You can offer the same resource to your friends.

Breathe. Ask yourself: "at this very moment, am I safe? Can I tolerate the place, physical and psychic in which I find myself at this very moment?" Stay in the moment. When your mind begins to move to the fearsome possibilities that are out there, bring yourself back to this very moment. Stay here now. Breathe.

Computer Crash or Sometimes Everything Seems Wrong and It Still Turns Out Okay

2009-05-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

How do I explain to my clients that I - strong, grounded, centered clinician - must learn how to manage the problems of a system for which you have no control? The issue arose because my hard drive crashed and now I have to resolve a problem not of my making. My only choice in the midst of this problem was how I would handle it.

First, before throwing the machine across the room, I took a deep breath and focused on what I could do at that moment. I sat and reminded myself to simply breathe. I wanted to get myself out of the fury mode and into this very moment here. The silence was calming.

Silence is a luxury. Our minds are an organ not unlike our hearts or our lungs which are part of the autonomic nervous system. The heart beats and the lungs bring air into out bodies without our telling them to work and our brains think.

We have the capacity to slow down the beating of the heart and the intake of air by focusing on inhaling and exhaling. We have the capacity to control the intensity. Controlling the constant flow of thoughts through our minds is very similar: our brains are built to think therefore thoughts flow through, usually in a disorganized fashion.

To create some quiet, we must first recognize that our brains are doing what they are supposed to do. We aim to gain silence between thoughts. When a thought comes in, we acknowledge the idea and let it go. It takes practice. Again and again we turn our mind back to the space between thoughts. And that space between thoughts, the silence, grows so that we have more quiet than thoughts.

The final outcome is that the hard drive just died. the good news is there was NO virus so after my computer maven did his magic, I received a new hard drive and have rejoined the cyber world.

Breathe. Allow the cool calm light to enter your lungs. Release any tension that may remain in your chest and belly. Breathe and lighten up.

What Makes a Lie a Lie?

2009-05-26T11:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the simplest statement can open a whole can of worms. Questions rise out of the words that are spoken and the listener wonders if the information shared is true. What makes a statement a lie? First there is the obvious - the information given is not accurate. The most frustrating lie though comes from information withheld. Figuring out the truth in a statement that is not factual is often easier than understanding what is accurate when the speaker has not responded completely.

I have been chewing on this topic for several days as I work with various degrees of inaccuracy in my clients. How do I teach these individuals to communicate with integrity? I request accuracy; responses must be factual without judgment, without assigning values. And I direct people to reframe statements so that they include only the facts without emotional content. Emotions can be a powerful influence on honesty.

To learn clear truthful communication, examine the following thoughts. What does it mean to be honest with yourself? How can you be truthful and care for yourself if you are always worrying what the other person thinks? The only way to guarantee your own integrity is always to be factual and accurate with yourself. The place from which to initiate integrity for yourself is with yourself. We can't always depend on genuine honesty from other people but we must be able to rely on our own truthfulness.

Keep breathing.

Taking Risks

2009-05-26T10:24:00.000-07:00

Which one is harder? Finding a new job or finding the right place to live? Yes being is love is hard but that's a whole other type of challenge and that experience involves sharing and willingness on the part of two people to communicate.

Having a job and a place to live are basic needs that must be met before you can do the hard work of managing painful emotions. In order to learn how to live with intense emotions, you need a living space that makes you feel safe.

If you are sharing your living space (not a partner, but a roommate) with someone who understands your privacy it is because you communicated your needs. Expressing your basic needs in a shared space begins with your knowing what you must have. For example, if you are someone who needs quiet after 10pm, you must be willing to state that priority and you must hear your roommate's desires as well so that you share healthy, supportive environment.

Make a list of what is important to you in your living space and in the individual with whom you will share that space. Sometimes you must make adjustments to your priorities. For example you may find the perfect physical space in the right neighborhood but you must also be comfortable with the person with whom you will be sharing space. What are you both willing to give in order to live together?

Be willing to compromise. Stick to your own values. Take care of yourself and stay mindful of what really matters to you. Know yourself and what is important to you.

Keep breathing.

More on Taking Care of the Therapist

2009-05-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

I always say, if you can't take care of yourself, how can someone else know how to take care of you? Yesterday, I turned down a really great chance to go to the theater. Now, don't get me wrong, I enjoy being with this friend. she is one of the people with whom I can feel comfortable even when I'm not feeling friendly. And she understood when I told her: I've got to have some time for myself.

We all need quiet time in which to just digest the events in our lives. We don't generally acknowledge how important it is to take time for our selves. It is a fundamental aspect of self-care to respect the hours or even days we spend alone. This time is an essential restorative and healing tool for surviving today's stressful times.

Alone time, personal time is a precious commodity. Sometimes we set time aside for ourselves and end up using this valuable resource for the hard work of paying bills or doing the laundry. It is tough to allow ourselves to choose a gentle way for using those rare personal minutes. And it is important to maintaining our health that we spend time listening to favorite music - not using the music as the sound track for scrubbing the bathroom.

Take a walk on a sunny afternoon, spend time on a beach or beside a lake watching the water. Water is an important healing element. Schedule time for yourself. Arrange your schedule so that you have that rare and precious commodity. You will feel better and live more happily. You can be okay.

Breathe.

Stay in the Moment

2009-05-23T09:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we know the appointment scheduled for 2:30 on Wednesday is going to be really painful. We wonder how we will get through it. And there we go: projecting into the future what might happen, what awful things will be said and (especially) how horrible we are going to feel. First, you must understand that the event is not happening at this very moment. And, naturally, you will ask: shouldn't I be prepared for that tough experience? The best preparation is take care of yourself in this very moment.

How can I take care of myself right now when there is nothing to fear at this moment? And that is exactly the awareness you must maintain. You must narrow your focus sufficiently so that you are able to know and feel the security of this very moment.

When we face challenging interactions, we frequently put all of our emotional energy into what may possibly happen in the future. We are not taught that staying in this very present moment makes it possible to experience the feeling of safety. In the next moment, when you may be facing that person who can make comments that are painful, narrow your focus so that with each sentence, even each word, you are able to tell yourself "in this instant I am okay."

People often say, but I'm not okay. My response is it is okay to say, "I'm okay" even when you don't feel it. You are now teaching yourself that you can be okay AND have your fear. You can be in the midst of a stressful event, a painful confrontation and still be okay. First you must teach yourself that it really is okay to feel okay, even in the midst of a painful experience.

Breathe. You are okay.

Taking Care of the Therapist

2009-05-22T09:00:00.000-07:00

Because I have made a commitment to work with challenging clients, I must take care of myself as well. There are the obvious ways in which I care for myself: setting clear boundaries so that the client knows when he/she can reach me and being clear how long I will talk on the phone. There is also the scheduling of appointments, and, of course, there is support and guidance from friends and professional colleagues.

There are also the not so obvious steps of giving myself a vacation. I must watch the red flags to know when I must schedule a day or several days of pampering. During this past week I have been annoyed at small matters and irritable with friends. I saw the warnings. I realized this annoyance is not about the challenges but about needing some self care.

I made arrangements to attend a seminar in a nearby city for a brief vacation. Preparing for this break includes doing the on-line search of restaurants, cultural events and farmers markets. Before I leave, making plans gets me ready to relax.

It is important for people working and/or living with people with challenging symptoms schedule time to be kind to themselves. Planning this brief vacation is pleasurable. Meanwhile, I have my daily routine of self-care: Healthy meals, cookbooks and other fun reading and caring for my dog (an important support system). I also have a regular routine of yoga and meditation.

Self-care involves the everyday tools for maintaining my health as well as breaking the routine with various interventions including travel, massage and conversations with friends.

Keep breathing!

Taking Care of Yourself

2009-05-21T10:38:00.000-07:00

Are you looking for support because you haven't found a professional to help you get over your depression? Or attempting to support a client who is unresponsive to your most skillful guidance?

I work with individuals who have struggled with intense psychic pain for years and have developed some tools that have proven effective in lessening their discomfort. I want to share my experience with consumers and clinicians and this blog is an opportunity for me to develop this information into a format for that purpose.

I invite comments from bloggers: as a consumer share the experiences that have not worked for you; as a clinician ask questions about the tools you need to effectively support your own clients.

The very first thing I tell my own clients is: breathe. Feel that calming breath going all the way down the the bottom of your spine and with the exhale feel the tension leaving your belly.

Come back into this room. Feel yourself safely seated and take a deep breath. Breathe and, if you can, softly smile.

2009-05-20T10:36:00.000-07:00

Today's Toughies

Today I saw patients with whom I have been working for some time. The question is how do I support these individuals in learning to tolerate their fears and have the peaceful life they each deserve. I have learned that so many of our fears arise out of lessons we learn as children. We learn to be afraid of the things our parents tell us are fearful even when those fears are unrealistic. It is scary to take risks but we must take risks in order to move forward with our lives. The unknown is frightening. We cannot control the environment - people and physical - but we can learn to trust ourselves. This trust is the foundation of being willing to take those chances.

My job is to help these clients to take risks. Through these risks, going to a party, making a telephone call, and the big one, asking for help, they develop a solid foundation for trusting themselves. Being willing to experience fear is very powerful. Willingness means that the individual is open to participating. Willingness does not remove the fear but is allows him or her to see and feel that the feeling of fear won't kill them.

Is there one secret to Parenting?

2009-05-19T10:32:00.000-07:00

I often tell clients and friends that the secret to being a good parent lies in the ability to communicate unconditional love through all the lessons that must be taught and/or learned. Everyone makes mistakes. Parents become overwhelmed and make critical remarks, children misunderstand and rebel against the lessons that must be learned. Through all this interaction, when the mother or father is able to show his or her child that he or she is loved, that small person gains the ability to survive the tumultuous experience of growing up.

There are, unfortunately many people out there raising children who are unable to let their sons and daughters know that they are loved and are valuable individuals. And the question is raised: How can people who call themselves parents inflict such horrors on their off-spring? Do those people dislike themselves so much that they are unable to separate their own pain from the sorrows being inflicted on their children?

When working with my clients I am regularly reminded of the fear and anger their parents must have experienced in their own lives to create such pain in the people in my office. I do NOT expect my clients to forgive the mother or father who said and did unspeakably cruel things but in the process of getting stronger and of learning how to care for themselves, they often gain an understanding of their parents' pain. The benefit of this insight enhances their ability to create loving relationships for themselves (first) and then for the significant people in their lives.

Getting Well:Part I

2009-05-18T10:29:00.000-07:00

Getting Well Part I

It ain't easy! When you've lived with depression or fear or anger for a long time, you've learned how to have a life that includes feeling these negative emotions. As you begin to experience the daily events of your life without constant psychic pain, you begin to learn how to feel okay without that pain. Having less or even no emotional sadness can be uncomfortable. You are accustomed to being sad, or angry or fearful. You may even miss it when you realize you have gotten through an afternoon without the unhappiness. You may be surprised that you are able to spend time comfortably with challenging people.

What's happening? Something's missing. What has changed? You are getting stronger. You are gaining skills for accepting who you are without resorting to big emotional outbursts or intense lows. This new feeling comes from the process of getting healthier. Each step along the path to learning how to live inside your skin requires the skills you are now gaining. You are learning how to take care of yourself in an effective and safe fashion.

While you are beginning to feel better, your new found strength may be surprising for some of the people in your life. This change may even make some people uncomfortable. Other people's reaction to your new behavior is one of the painful aspects of getting healthy. Some people will expect you to respond in the way you have always acted. There is nothing wrong with you. You are learning how to take care of yourself in a gentler and kinder fashion. That ability is what you gain from the hard work you are doing in treatment in order to get better.

Give yourself credit for the hard work you are doing and understand that these changes don't always feel comfortable nor are they easy. And congratulate yourself for being willing to hang in with the work even when it isn't comfortable or easy.

Welcome

2009-04-30T08:50:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my beautiful new home!

I'm glad you're here and hope you will find support and answers AND I want to hear your reponse to anything that might be on this blog.

If there are topics about taking care of your psychic health on which you wish information, have questions or comments, please tell me.

Thanks for being here. Keep coming back.

Susan

Don't Be logical

2009-04-29T08:51:00.000-07:00

Okay, that statement does sound strange but sometimes logic or reasonableness doesn't allow us to really solve problems.

To get through these challenging times we need to think in ways that aren't the same old, same old. We need to be willing to look at the problem from a different point of view. Sometimes this different point of view is simply to place ourselves in the other person's shoes.

You may be working to solve a computer problem with the customer service rep in India. I Know! Frustration. However, think about the person on the other end of the line. She or he is doing a job for which they were trained and which they really want to do well.

In attempting to get my computer glitch resolved, I listened to that man on the other end of the line and watched my frustration heighten and then suddenly it hit me. He really wanted to help. The first thing I did was to apologize and state: "I realize you didn't cause this problem and I really appreciate you desire to help."

My attitude moved 180 degrees and together we were able to actually solve the problem. Think in a way that isn't your regular pattern. Look at your attitude or your approach and search for a different direction from which to look at that challenge.

Keep breathing.

Breath. You'll feel Better!

2009-04-07T09:00:00.000-07:00

The first place I start when confronted with the facts of a lower income for the coming week is to remind myself that my mortgage is current, that the home owners' dues do not have to reach the management office for another week and I do have food in the fridge and thirty pounds of dog food.

Then I talk myself through a "Three Minute Breathing Exercise". My objective with this exercise is to bring myself back to this very moment and to give myself three minutes of quiet breathing to simply stay right here in this very second.

The three minute exercise (you can make it shorter):First, seated in a comfortable up right position, acknowledge that you have a thought that is disturbing or painful. Breathe

Then sit with that thought and feel the places in your body where this thought is felt. Are your shoulders stiff, do you feel a knot in your stomach, are your fists clinched? Breathe.

Finally, let go of attempting to fix everything and allow your body to feel your breath moving into those tight areas. Let those worry thoughts drift away as you listen to your breath. Breathe.

Take a deep inhale, slowly release. Feel yourself seated and take another deep inhale, then exhale and get back to your day's activities.

The Economy: Words to make anyone nervous

2009-04-06T09:32:00.000-07:00

It's a beautiful day, the birds are singing. Why do I feel miserable?

Well, not exactly miserable but every time I hear another comment about unemployment figures, see empty stores or even listen to my clients talk about layoffs, I get anxious.

My bills aren't overwhelming and I'm pretty good at staying within my spending limits. These facts are really key to my staying in the moment when I am surrounded by all the worrying media, talk show rants or TV images that remind me of how fragile our financial world is.

I can't change the facts of financial uncertainty but I do have the capacity to keep myself moving forward. The reality is that we can each take steps that support ourselves and soothe the intensity of worry with which we are surrounded in these challenging times.

Keep breathing.

Just Following Buck and Ben

2009-03-30T09:06:00.000-07:00

A wise woman once counseled me that doing a job, getting somewhere or just getting through tough times means following Buck and Ben. And who are Buck and Ben, I demanded in my eight-year-old skepticism? Why this is Buck, she replied lifting her right foot and here's Ben she stated as she raised her left foot.

That's what it's all about, one step at a time. Just follow the single steps you must take to keep moving forward. It's staying still that prevents our moving out of our problems. However, if we reframe that word "problems" and identify them at "challenges" we don't get overwhelmed with the thought of obstacles with which we are surrounded.

So we're back to getting through today or this new week or simply remembering that each step we take is a step forward for resolving the challenges this day presents.

Keep breathing.

Choose your Battles or more on lemons into lemonade

2009-03-21T16:33:00.000-07:00

There are so many issues about which anyone can put energy and emotion into that I recommend we are careful when we decide to allow anger to make decisions for us.

If an individual with whom I have business and/or professional contact is unhappy with me, my choice is to respond with similar intensity or to agree that the issue should be resolved and look for peace rather than conflict.

Sometimes the other person will follow my lead and find points on which we can agree and sometimes the other person is not ready to resolve the conflict. I am willing to wait until there is a better time for us to find a solution but occasionally that choice is not acceptable to the other person. In that case I return to my suggestion to make lemonade out of lemons.

I will keep my distance and attempt to solve the problem without additional disagreement. Sometimes that solution requires letting the other person leave my life and sometimes if means that we find a solution when he or she is ready to propose a compromise that meets both our needs.

Making lemons into lemonade requires that I use my wise mind and remember I always have a choice to take whatever steps will create a peaceful environment.

Breathe.

Cleaning is Great Therapy!

2009-03-21T12:42:00.000-07:00

It's something that doesn't get done and when you've lived with the stack of newspapers or the dog fur on the carpet for a while, it's easy for forget that the dog fur and the papers aren't part of the decor.

The roar of the vacuum startled me as I pushed it across the floor and the dog began his attack on the machine. The amazing experience was that the carpet actually looked bright and clean as the dust and dog fur were sucked into the machine.

The satisfaction of seeing a room with a cleared floor and furniture without the black dog hair was real. What a nice feeling to have a house that supported my need for quiet and calm.

Breathe. Cleaning is only one of many steps you can take to remind yourself that you are in control of you.

More later.

It's not about having the most

2009-03-20T17:57:00.000-07:00

It used to be that success was about having the biggest or the most or earning the highest . . . Today it's about making lemonade out of lemons.

If your bills are paid and the dog or cat don't need an emergency visit to the vet you are doing fine. If the mortgage is current and your electricity and phone are still on, you're in good shape. Who'd have thought just a few months ago people would be looking at 101 ways to fix pasta? Hey, I happen to really like pasta, so there.

All the uncertainty today makes it hard to get down to the basics of what we really have and how we must stay right here in the present moment. Sometimes these worries get so overwhelming that we forget what really matters is having a place to take a hot shower, a nice cup of good soup and a warm place to sleep.

When you can remember the real value in your life isn't going to come from that beautiful vehicle or that weekend in Jamaica or the newest pair of Manolos. . . the significant possessions in your life are not those items you can't sell today but your good health or that person who is truly with you during these chaotic times.

You worked very hard and got this far. You must give yourself credit for what you have achieved and know that it is the same skill that brought you to this point in your life that will make it possible to move through these next weeks. You have a choice lemons or lemonade!

What to do when the therapist is away

2009-03-20T10:37:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to be away this week. The phone didn't stop ringing. The e-mails kept coming and I was here. There were not classes to teach nor clients to see and I still had calls from people at the office and I was at both USC and UCLA this week.

Everyone needs a break. It's really important to get away from the texting, the phone and the e-mail. It's very easy for me to remind everyone else, my students, my clients to take a break but what about me? Finally, I did it. Yesterday I got an amazing massage that lasted for even more than the hour and a half I had scheduled. And today - no phones only the sounds of the birds cheered by this beautiful day.

Listen to yourself. You usually have the answer to how to take care of yourself if you take the time to really hear what you need. That information comes from that place within yourself called wise mind. You actually do know what you need. The hard part comes from being willing to take the steps you recommend to yourself.

Follow your wise mind. Breathe. Take a break. That break can be something as simple as looking out the window at the bright sunshine and listening to the sounds. Lay on your back on the floor, with your bottom next to the wall and your legs up the wall. Breathe.

What to do before the Therapist Arrives

2009-03-08T14:00:00.000-07:00

Well, it's still happening and here you are! Hanging in there and tolerating all the scary uncertainty. First, Chocolate! It's sort of the vitamin essential to these annoying times. Next: BREATHE!

Yes, something as simple as just taking a deep breath can make a real difference. I don't know how to fix the financial pain we are all experiencing, but I do know several tricks that make it possible to get through today and maybe even most of tomorrow.

The first skill is simply breathing, softly, naturally and gently. Stay present. Listen to the sound of your breathing. DO NOT LISTEN TO YOUR WORRIES. Every time a worry crosses the screen, turn back to your breath. Worrying does not change the events with which we must all deal today, but listening to your breathe can make it easier to simply be present at this moment.

More later.

Keep gently breathing.