Melt downs. This month just completed has involved painful emotions by everyone in my group. Stability has been reached and people are feeling more committed to keeping their heads above water.
Avoiding hospitalization and keeping themselves safe is our primary focus rich now. Finally, I can breathe a sigh or relief that everyone is safe. Everyone is keeping her appointments and with all the pain floating throughout our world they are today more willing to inch forward toward management of their excruciating pain.
What has happened to make it possible to feel more grounded within this painful environment? First, our focus is on staying in the most narrow of the present. What is happening in this very moment here that requires intense response? While we can't change those environmental or external conditions, we can change the way we respond.
We again learning how to stay in this very present moment with the emotions we are feeling and are learning how to lower the intensity of those emotions.
Breathe.
Showing posts with label surviving today. Show all posts
Showing posts with label surviving today. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Monday, May 9, 2011
Summer Plans!?
Already? I've been told it's important to have an activity or event to anticipate. It could be going to the JPL open house next week and satisfying that part of me that has fantasies of exploring a whole untouched and in known world.
And then there's the plan to take a five-day retreat in the forests near Monterey and Carmel. Such a beautiful area in which to sit quietly with no access to phone or internet.
In today's world of constant conflict, it is important for us to take care of ourselves in every possible way. We live in very stressful times. Our relationships are challenging and the world outside our safety zone is constantly changing. We must be strong enough to tolerate those unknown events that we confront daily.
Even something as simple as listening a a favorite piece of music or looking at a favorite piece of art provide a momentary sanctuary from the intensity of the world in which we are living. Choosing simple pleasures regularly make it possible to manage those challenges that are also thrown at us everyday.
Today as I walked the dog I passed a van for a floor finishing business. The van was covered with a famous impressionist painting that is one of my favorites. What a spark of pleasure and humor viewing that truck gave me. And because I was aware of that moment of positive feelings, I was able to handle the three intense calls I have managed this afternoon.
Be aware of those moments of pleasure when they happen. It is those moments that make the rest of the intensity tolerable.
And then there's the plan to take a five-day retreat in the forests near Monterey and Carmel. Such a beautiful area in which to sit quietly with no access to phone or internet.
In today's world of constant conflict, it is important for us to take care of ourselves in every possible way. We live in very stressful times. Our relationships are challenging and the world outside our safety zone is constantly changing. We must be strong enough to tolerate those unknown events that we confront daily.
Even something as simple as listening a a favorite piece of music or looking at a favorite piece of art provide a momentary sanctuary from the intensity of the world in which we are living. Choosing simple pleasures regularly make it possible to manage those challenges that are also thrown at us everyday.
Today as I walked the dog I passed a van for a floor finishing business. The van was covered with a famous impressionist painting that is one of my favorites. What a spark of pleasure and humor viewing that truck gave me. And because I was aware of that moment of positive feelings, I was able to handle the three intense calls I have managed this afternoon.
Be aware of those moments of pleasure when they happen. It is those moments that make the rest of the intensity tolerable.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Now to Make Repairs
These past few weeks have been filled with all sorts of nasty little incomplete tasks. First, the new chair that looked wonderful but arrived in parts, then there's the printer that still doesn't work and the bathroom that really needs to be painted.
Nuts and bolts, literally do not respond to the pressure I use to put them into their assigned place, drilling usually requires a couple of tries before (third time is a charm, hmm) I get the item installed and plumbing - well it's better for me not to get involved in anything that requires more than a plunger or reaching into the disposal (yes, it's off).
So the new year begins with several items requiring greater skills in construction than I have ever wanted to have. On the other hand, I have become articulate in describing broken furniture, non-functioning cable lines and computer frustrations. I have even become best friends with a few service people in India (not that I ever wanted them to be an intimate part of my life).
All of the above is to say, the best way to manage our lives is to stay in the present, do the best job possible and don't judge ourselves for being human. Forgive yourself and be kind to the people in your life.
Sigh.
Oh, yes, today this terrible new screech started sounding every time I open the refrigerator door.
Happy 2011.
Nuts and bolts, literally do not respond to the pressure I use to put them into their assigned place, drilling usually requires a couple of tries before (third time is a charm, hmm) I get the item installed and plumbing - well it's better for me not to get involved in anything that requires more than a plunger or reaching into the disposal (yes, it's off).
So the new year begins with several items requiring greater skills in construction than I have ever wanted to have. On the other hand, I have become articulate in describing broken furniture, non-functioning cable lines and computer frustrations. I have even become best friends with a few service people in India (not that I ever wanted them to be an intimate part of my life).
All of the above is to say, the best way to manage our lives is to stay in the present, do the best job possible and don't judge ourselves for being human. Forgive yourself and be kind to the people in your life.
Sigh.
Oh, yes, today this terrible new screech started sounding every time I open the refrigerator door.
Happy 2011.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
A New Year: Optimism
A fresh beginning, a new plan, untried options. All of these phrases describe the multitude of possibilities a new year brings. These words can be encouraging AND they can feel like a burden.
Give yourself to permission to not know what may come with this new year. Take the burden of achievement, of all the "musts" and the pressure of completing all those projects, activities and contracts away. Think of the instructions you hear so often: stay in the present. Use one moment at a time. Breathe and allow what is happening simply to happen.
We live in very stressful times and sometimes the only way we can get through the pressures we experience, is to recognize those pressures and NOT respond.
Breathe. Stay in this moment and let go of judgment about anything even yourself.
Give yourself to permission to not know what may come with this new year. Take the burden of achievement, of all the "musts" and the pressure of completing all those projects, activities and contracts away. Think of the instructions you hear so often: stay in the present. Use one moment at a time. Breathe and allow what is happening simply to happen.
We live in very stressful times and sometimes the only way we can get through the pressures we experience, is to recognize those pressures and NOT respond.
Breathe. Stay in this moment and let go of judgment about anything even yourself.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
She's quiting. Again
That's what happens with my clients. It's hard work. They begin to feel a little stronger, better and even begin to experience a little joy and then life rears it's ugly head and it all feels too much. The desire to shop - not a little nickel dime shopping but some big thousand dollar splurges - or the urge to do some type of self harm - cut or burn - or the desire to break the three month sobriety all become overwhelming.
All of which is part of the process of getting better. Those urges will be there AND in order to continue the healing process my clients MUST sit with that awful feeling. The wonderful part of sitting with that awful urge is that they do survive the urge. Even when it is at its strongest and most painful, the client can choose to maintain her/his sobriety or her abstinence from the harmful behavior.
She or he is stronger for having sat with the urge and has even earned the right to be very proud of her or him self for taking such good care. Getting better is not easy and is not pain-free, but it can be very freeing and the client learns how to be proud of him/herself for such healthy behavior. Oh, yes, she got through that urge to break her sobriety and kept her next appointment.
All of which is part of the process of getting better. Those urges will be there AND in order to continue the healing process my clients MUST sit with that awful feeling. The wonderful part of sitting with that awful urge is that they do survive the urge. Even when it is at its strongest and most painful, the client can choose to maintain her/his sobriety or her abstinence from the harmful behavior.
She or he is stronger for having sat with the urge and has even earned the right to be very proud of her or him self for taking such good care. Getting better is not easy and is not pain-free, but it can be very freeing and the client learns how to be proud of him/herself for such healthy behavior. Oh, yes, she got through that urge to break her sobriety and kept her next appointment.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Help!
The therapist needs help! Well actually two types of help.
Among the challenges this summer was the loss of a dear friend who was a long time support. This special person was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and I had to find someone else to provide support. A real challenge for someone who calls herself "the therapist of last resort". Don't I have answers to everything?
This experience has taught me that searching for answers is an indication that I am willing to understand my own vulnerabilities. A tough assignment and one that was not easy for me to learn; however, this summer allowed me to begin the lesson. I am actually excited about the new resources that I have found. The insight and skills I am forced to learn are increasing the support I am able to provide my clients.
On the other hand, I need help adapting to my newly acquired, "Rolls Royce of all computers". Well, that is a bit of an exaggeration, but it is a fine, lovely Mac Book Pro and I am still overwhelmed with its power and functions.
More to come.
Among the challenges this summer was the loss of a dear friend who was a long time support. This special person was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and I had to find someone else to provide support. A real challenge for someone who calls herself "the therapist of last resort". Don't I have answers to everything?
This experience has taught me that searching for answers is an indication that I am willing to understand my own vulnerabilities. A tough assignment and one that was not easy for me to learn; however, this summer allowed me to begin the lesson. I am actually excited about the new resources that I have found. The insight and skills I am forced to learn are increasing the support I am able to provide my clients.
On the other hand, I need help adapting to my newly acquired, "Rolls Royce of all computers". Well, that is a bit of an exaggeration, but it is a fine, lovely Mac Book Pro and I am still overwhelmed with its power and functions.
More to come.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Catching Up
Where did January and February go?
How did I get so busy? Now I, the therapist of last resort must confront my own emotional overwhelm. I have just learned some very sad news about someone very important to me, a special friend who has been support, counsellor, advisor and, in many ways, more a mother than my own mother was.
How will I deal with her terminal illness? What can I do to help myself? I am feeling both the crushing pain of loosing her and the anguish of living without her support after she is gone.
I can only do what I tell my clients. Stay present. Remember the lessons learned from this relationship. Respect those lessons. I can honor our long relationship by sharing the lessons I learned from her. I can express my sadness in a way that teaches others how to manage their own pain.
How did I get so busy? Now I, the therapist of last resort must confront my own emotional overwhelm. I have just learned some very sad news about someone very important to me, a special friend who has been support, counsellor, advisor and, in many ways, more a mother than my own mother was.
How will I deal with her terminal illness? What can I do to help myself? I am feeling both the crushing pain of loosing her and the anguish of living without her support after she is gone.
I can only do what I tell my clients. Stay present. Remember the lessons learned from this relationship. Respect those lessons. I can honor our long relationship by sharing the lessons I learned from her. I can express my sadness in a way that teaches others how to manage their own pain.
Monday, December 28, 2009
A New Year
What a year of changes! Both professional and personal aspects of my life have changed,become richer and more satisfying. If I were asked to identify only one experience that has enhanced my life in 2009 I would have to identify the work with soldiers and their families.
I have learned so much about integrity and bravery and my own sense of patriotism has been refined. I am more thoughtful and circumspect. I find myself responding with more awareness to issues on which I previously had fixed opinions. I look forward to working with more soldiers and the significant people in their lives in this coming year.
As this new year opens it is possible to face it with apprehension about tasks yet undone or with fear about the unknown and unexpected and those negative feelings would get in the way of simply owning this present moment. All we ever really have is this very moment here. Energy invested in the possibility of what might happen or on the other hand focusing on assignments not completed takes our awareness away from what is really happening in the present.
Breathe and accept this moment as all that we ever need or own. Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to the creatures - all sentient beings - in your life. And, most important of all, laugh.
I have learned so much about integrity and bravery and my own sense of patriotism has been refined. I am more thoughtful and circumspect. I find myself responding with more awareness to issues on which I previously had fixed opinions. I look forward to working with more soldiers and the significant people in their lives in this coming year.
As this new year opens it is possible to face it with apprehension about tasks yet undone or with fear about the unknown and unexpected and those negative feelings would get in the way of simply owning this present moment. All we ever really have is this very moment here. Energy invested in the possibility of what might happen or on the other hand focusing on assignments not completed takes our awareness away from what is really happening in the present.
Breathe and accept this moment as all that we ever need or own. Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to the creatures - all sentient beings - in your life. And, most important of all, laugh.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Hello from the woods!
The intensity of the past few days reminds me that as far as we may be from Afghanistan or Iraq or Bosnia we are all touched by the lives that are disrupted in those and all the other conflicts occurring around the globe.
It is important to remember that we can make a difference for both our soldiers here at home and abroad and for ourselves. We can make a difference by being kind to each other, by understanding we all experience confusion and pain about the events at Ft. Hood or at the office building in Orlando or the lack of services from the telephone company. We can't take the gun away from the person racing through the office building but we can look at our own anger and take control of those intense feelings.
When we take responsibility for our own feelings, we are able to show our children that anger does not require destructive behavior. We show ourselves and our loved ones that negative emotions can not only be controlled but can be channeled into constructive action.
The most important way in which we can care for ourselves is by being kind to ourselves, being gentle during these painfully stressful times. Those non- judgmental behaviors will spread beyond ourselves to everyone we touch. Sometimes a pebble in a pond can create a tsunami. The wave of easy, soft feelings we share can soothe others' firey pain.
Breathe
It is important to remember that we can make a difference for both our soldiers here at home and abroad and for ourselves. We can make a difference by being kind to each other, by understanding we all experience confusion and pain about the events at Ft. Hood or at the office building in Orlando or the lack of services from the telephone company. We can't take the gun away from the person racing through the office building but we can look at our own anger and take control of those intense feelings.
When we take responsibility for our own feelings, we are able to show our children that anger does not require destructive behavior. We show ourselves and our loved ones that negative emotions can not only be controlled but can be channeled into constructive action.
The most important way in which we can care for ourselves is by being kind to ourselves, being gentle during these painfully stressful times. Those non- judgmental behaviors will spread beyond ourselves to everyone we touch. Sometimes a pebble in a pond can create a tsunami. The wave of easy, soft feelings we share can soothe others' firey pain.
Breathe
Saturday, August 15, 2009
They're Leaving
She's saying goodbye for only a while to her fiancee. He's patting his son on the back but he dare not open his mouth to speak. She watches as her brother puts his enormous pack with all the gear on his back. The young woman over there, the one with the amazing blue eyes holds the hands of her fiancee. They are both assigned to Afghanistan but at different ends of the country.
This group is going down range tonight. They've been waiting in the hanger as the final clearance is performed for the aircraft that will fly them to Germany. The Sgt. has passed out the medication they will be taking daily throughout the deployment. The predictable joking is heard as the bottles are passed to the individuals to whom they are assigned. She popped the top and a handful of pills spilled. No one will admit to the anxiety that is thick enough in the hanger it could be cut like cheese.
The Dfac (dining facility) provides a last hot meal - roast beef, baked potatoes and rice, green beans, salad with choice of dressings. There is fruit - apples, oranges and for the first time since I've been eating at the Dfac there are peaches and plums. Packaged cookies, snack bars and a variety of chips are also offered. The food might not be haute cuisine it is basic, familiar and the troops are encouraged to take multiple servings to get them through the 18 hours (or more) of travel time.
My instructions to myself for this deployment: Focus on this moment here. Don't think about when the plan may be ready. Don't focus on where the troops are going. Just stay present. Breathe.
This group is going down range tonight. They've been waiting in the hanger as the final clearance is performed for the aircraft that will fly them to Germany. The Sgt. has passed out the medication they will be taking daily throughout the deployment. The predictable joking is heard as the bottles are passed to the individuals to whom they are assigned. She popped the top and a handful of pills spilled. No one will admit to the anxiety that is thick enough in the hanger it could be cut like cheese.
The Dfac (dining facility) provides a last hot meal - roast beef, baked potatoes and rice, green beans, salad with choice of dressings. There is fruit - apples, oranges and for the first time since I've been eating at the Dfac there are peaches and plums. Packaged cookies, snack bars and a variety of chips are also offered. The food might not be haute cuisine it is basic, familiar and the troops are encouraged to take multiple servings to get them through the 18 hours (or more) of travel time.
My instructions to myself for this deployment: Focus on this moment here. Don't think about when the plan may be ready. Don't focus on where the troops are going. Just stay present. Breathe.
Friday, July 10, 2009
A Red Bird and a Black dog
As I talked to an officer in the middle of a rotation to Ft. Bragg from an assignment in Hawaii when a cardinal flew by us. It was a breathtaking experience. I responded with amazement and our pleasant chat took a turn to the much more personal. I explained how awestruck I was by the appearance of the red bird. This is a bird that is not seen in California and it has been years since I saw one that close. How wonderful that something so natural could create such a powerful connection.
Later I turned the corner around the building on my exploration and exercise around the family resources center and saw another officer walking a stunning black lab that was wearing a blue service dog halter. I had to ask him about his dog and I learned the wonderful story of how he had acquired his dog. Because Pilot had failed his test to become a guide dog for a non-sighted person, he was available for this soldier who is recovering from his own injuries, to adopt. A dog who was unable to achieve the level of skills required for one job was available to support this man in learning how to live as the person he has become as a result of his was experience.
How wonderful are healing powers we find in our world when we are receptive to them.
Later I turned the corner around the building on my exploration and exercise around the family resources center and saw another officer walking a stunning black lab that was wearing a blue service dog halter. I had to ask him about his dog and I learned the wonderful story of how he had acquired his dog. Because Pilot had failed his test to become a guide dog for a non-sighted person, he was available for this soldier who is recovering from his own injuries, to adopt. A dog who was unable to achieve the level of skills required for one job was available to support this man in learning how to live as the person he has become as a result of his was experience.
How wonderful are healing powers we find in our world when we are receptive to them.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Another one on Getting through today
It's gotten worse. I have the shorts, as it were. Clients not showing up, others dropping out because they lost their insurance and everyone else wanting their own chunk of change. Taxes here, office rent there, and more tea for the office. And the dog needs to be fed and get his rabies shots.
Those are only the financial stressors. I know they will stabilize - and I will get through this money crunch. My mindfulness practice keeps me focused and even helps to keep me less overwhelmed with worry. I remind myself, when I start chewing on fears of being tossed out of my office that at this very moment here, I am okay. I keep breathing. I take another deep breath, and take the dog out for a walk.
Believe it or not, it does help. I recognize the things I can control, accept the things I cannot change and see the difference between the two. It's what people in 12 step programs call the serenity prayer and what I call radical acceptance.
At this moment, that's all the guidance I have. Keep breathing.
Those are only the financial stressors. I know they will stabilize - and I will get through this money crunch. My mindfulness practice keeps me focused and even helps to keep me less overwhelmed with worry. I remind myself, when I start chewing on fears of being tossed out of my office that at this very moment here, I am okay. I keep breathing. I take another deep breath, and take the dog out for a walk.
Believe it or not, it does help. I recognize the things I can control, accept the things I cannot change and see the difference between the two. It's what people in 12 step programs call the serenity prayer and what I call radical acceptance.
At this moment, that's all the guidance I have. Keep breathing.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Telephone Calls: To Answer or Not
The phone sounds that double ring that lets me know it's client. Two doctors on Grey's Anatomy are just debating going into the on-call room. We all know what that means. AND I have to answer the phone?
That's my own debate. I know how to talk to my clients, how to reassure them and how to discourage them from doing anything to hurt themselves. Is it fair that I should now interrupt my evening to use these skills? Of course I do answer the phone. They know I will stay on the phone for only ten minutes. As a result, they present their problems concisely and immediately.
After she has described her crisis, I ask my client what she has done to take care of herself. Right Now. We discuss suggested alternatives from her skills notebook. She is usually able to offer steps that are exactly right for her.
While I serve as a sounding board, these telephone calls give the client an opportunity to experience her own power in managing intense pain. Once we have identified a satisfactory solution and agreed on action she will take, the telephone call ends. She has found mastery and feels safe. In ten minutes or less, my client has found a way to tolerate her pain, in the moment.
Oh, yes, at the conclusion of this conversation, I am able to pick up Grey's Anatomy where it was paused. Because it is recorded, I avoid advertising and can answer those calls without missing the guilty pleasure of that wonderfully mindless fluff.
That's my own debate. I know how to talk to my clients, how to reassure them and how to discourage them from doing anything to hurt themselves. Is it fair that I should now interrupt my evening to use these skills? Of course I do answer the phone. They know I will stay on the phone for only ten minutes. As a result, they present their problems concisely and immediately.
After she has described her crisis, I ask my client what she has done to take care of herself. Right Now. We discuss suggested alternatives from her skills notebook. She is usually able to offer steps that are exactly right for her.
While I serve as a sounding board, these telephone calls give the client an opportunity to experience her own power in managing intense pain. Once we have identified a satisfactory solution and agreed on action she will take, the telephone call ends. She has found mastery and feels safe. In ten minutes or less, my client has found a way to tolerate her pain, in the moment.
Oh, yes, at the conclusion of this conversation, I am able to pick up Grey's Anatomy where it was paused. Because it is recorded, I avoid advertising and can answer those calls without missing the guilty pleasure of that wonderfully mindless fluff.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Lying Part III: Does it Really Matter?
What happens when a client lies? How do I feel if I suspect s/he is not telling me the truth? Will this inaccurate information get in the way of my working with her or him?
I have a client who regularly exaggerates events in her life. She tells me about the elegant Hollywood parties she is catering. I want to accept this report a factual but she is unable to tell me about the menu or the kitchen in which she will cook. As a former caterer, I have suspicions that this party may not exist.
Another woman reveals only limited information about events in her life. This omission is another form of lying. I am unable to effectively support her in learning to solve problems in her relationships or employment. How effective can I be as a professional, as her counselor, if she does not give me a valid picture of her life?
When I call her on not giving me a complete picture, she stated she wants me to see her as managing her life. I wonder out loud, since everything is going so well, what purpose is served in seeking my support?
Her answer does not produce more accurate information but does motivate her to tell me that she’s afraid she’ll be rejected if she’s not perfect. I don’t use the term "lying" when I discuss the way these clients provide information. I use the concept integrity. For me, Integrity is the foundation for all healthy relationships.
I have a client who regularly exaggerates events in her life. She tells me about the elegant Hollywood parties she is catering. I want to accept this report a factual but she is unable to tell me about the menu or the kitchen in which she will cook. As a former caterer, I have suspicions that this party may not exist.
Another woman reveals only limited information about events in her life. This omission is another form of lying. I am unable to effectively support her in learning to solve problems in her relationships or employment. How effective can I be as a professional, as her counselor, if she does not give me a valid picture of her life?
When I call her on not giving me a complete picture, she stated she wants me to see her as managing her life. I wonder out loud, since everything is going so well, what purpose is served in seeking my support?
Her answer does not produce more accurate information but does motivate her to tell me that she’s afraid she’ll be rejected if she’s not perfect. I don’t use the term "lying" when I discuss the way these clients provide information. I use the concept integrity. For me, Integrity is the foundation for all healthy relationships.
Friday, May 29, 2009
List Making
Making Lists
something I rarely do
and yet so very reassuring
Measuring out my life with check marks for tasks completed
What do I list
tasks to complete
calls to make
groceries to buy
and when they are checked off
what have I accomplished?
measures based on numbers of tasks completed
a life contained in the activities that
can be counted and measured
so reassuring
tangible
not abstract
visual and contained.
something I rarely do
and yet so very reassuring
Measuring out my life with check marks for tasks completed
What do I list
tasks to complete
calls to make
groceries to buy
and when they are checked off
what have I accomplished?
measures based on numbers of tasks completed
a life contained in the activities that
can be counted and measured
so reassuring
tangible
not abstract
visual and contained.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Trauma, Fear, Uncertainty
Trauma, fear and uncertainty: words with which we are confronted daily. Perhaps you have just been told that your department is being downsized (terrible word). Even more painful, you have been asked to stay while some of your colleagues are told to leave. You watch as people pack their desks wondering when will you be asked to leave AND you still have a job. For how long?
In this environment of uncertainty it is important to care for yourself and for the people you care about. How do I care for myself when I am feeling so overwhelmed? Breathe. At this very moment you can take care of yourself by being busy helping your colleagues. Be sure you know how to reach those people with whom you worked so that you can share resources.
Share your own uncertainty and fear. Your partner, spouse and close friends need to know how you are and what is happening with you. Their support is important in this time of change. Ask for help. Sometimes the most important support is simply in finding the right person to listen to you. You can offer the same resource to your friends.
Breathe. Ask yourself: "at this very moment, am I safe? Can I tolerate the place, physical and psychic in which I find myself at this very moment?" Stay in the moment. When your mind begins to move to the fearsome possibilities that are out there, bring yourself back to this very moment. Stay here now. Breathe.
In this environment of uncertainty it is important to care for yourself and for the people you care about. How do I care for myself when I am feeling so overwhelmed? Breathe. At this very moment you can take care of yourself by being busy helping your colleagues. Be sure you know how to reach those people with whom you worked so that you can share resources.
Share your own uncertainty and fear. Your partner, spouse and close friends need to know how you are and what is happening with you. Their support is important in this time of change. Ask for help. Sometimes the most important support is simply in finding the right person to listen to you. You can offer the same resource to your friends.
Breathe. Ask yourself: "at this very moment, am I safe? Can I tolerate the place, physical and psychic in which I find myself at this very moment?" Stay in the moment. When your mind begins to move to the fearsome possibilities that are out there, bring yourself back to this very moment. Stay here now. Breathe.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
What Makes a Lie a Lie?
Sometimes the simplest statement can open a whole can of worms. Questions rise out of the words that are spoken and the listener wonders if the information shared is true. What makes a statement a lie? First there is the obvious - the information given is not accurate. The most frustrating lie though comes from information withheld. Figuring out the truth in a statement that is not factual is often easier than understanding what is accurate when the speaker has not responded completely.
I have been chewing on this topic for several days as I work with various degrees of inaccuracy in my clients. How do I teach these individuals to communicate with integrity? I request accuracy; responses must be factual without judgment, without assigning values. And I direct people to reframe statements so that they include only the facts without emotional content. Emotions can be a powerful influence on honesty.
To learn clear truthful communication, examine the following thoughts. What does it mean to be honest with yourself? How can you be truthful and care for yourself if you are always worrying what the other person thinks? The only way to guarantee your own integrity is always to be factual and accurate with yourself. The place from which to initiate integrity for yourself is with yourself. We can't always depend on genuine honesty from other people but we must be able to rely on our own truthfulness.
Keep breathing.
I have been chewing on this topic for several days as I work with various degrees of inaccuracy in my clients. How do I teach these individuals to communicate with integrity? I request accuracy; responses must be factual without judgment, without assigning values. And I direct people to reframe statements so that they include only the facts without emotional content. Emotions can be a powerful influence on honesty.
To learn clear truthful communication, examine the following thoughts. What does it mean to be honest with yourself? How can you be truthful and care for yourself if you are always worrying what the other person thinks? The only way to guarantee your own integrity is always to be factual and accurate with yourself. The place from which to initiate integrity for yourself is with yourself. We can't always depend on genuine honesty from other people but we must be able to rely on our own truthfulness.
Keep breathing.
Taking Risks
Which one is harder? Finding a new job or finding the right place to live? Yes being is love is hard but that's a whole other type of challenge and that experience involves sharing and willingness on the part of two people to communicate.
Having a job and a place to live are basic needs that must be met before you can do the hard work of managing painful emotions. In order to learn how to live with intense emotions, you need a living space that makes you feel safe.
If you are sharing your living space (not a partner, but a roommate) with someone who understands your privacy it is because you communicated your needs. Expressing your basic needs in a shared space begins with your knowing what you must have. For example, if you are someone who needs quiet after 10pm, you must be willing to state that priority and you must hear your roommate's desires as well so that you share healthy, supportive environment.
Make a list of what is important to you in your living space and in the individual with whom you will share that space. Sometimes you must make adjustments to your priorities. For example you may find the perfect physical space in the right neighborhood but you must also be comfortable with the person with whom you will be sharing space. What are you both willing to give in order to live together?
Be willing to compromise. Stick to your own values. Take care of yourself and stay mindful of what really matters to you. Know yourself and what is important to you.
Keep breathing.
Having a job and a place to live are basic needs that must be met before you can do the hard work of managing painful emotions. In order to learn how to live with intense emotions, you need a living space that makes you feel safe.
If you are sharing your living space (not a partner, but a roommate) with someone who understands your privacy it is because you communicated your needs. Expressing your basic needs in a shared space begins with your knowing what you must have. For example, if you are someone who needs quiet after 10pm, you must be willing to state that priority and you must hear your roommate's desires as well so that you share healthy, supportive environment.
Make a list of what is important to you in your living space and in the individual with whom you will share that space. Sometimes you must make adjustments to your priorities. For example you may find the perfect physical space in the right neighborhood but you must also be comfortable with the person with whom you will be sharing space. What are you both willing to give in order to live together?
Be willing to compromise. Stick to your own values. Take care of yourself and stay mindful of what really matters to you. Know yourself and what is important to you.
Keep breathing.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Stay in the Moment
Sometimes we know the appointment scheduled for 2:30 on Wednesday is going to be really painful. We wonder how we will get through it. And there we go: projecting into the future what might happen, what awful things will be said and (especially) how horrible we are going to feel. First, you must understand that the event is not happening at this very moment. And, naturally, you will ask: shouldn't I be prepared for that tough experience? The best preparation is take care of yourself in this very moment.
How can I take care of myself right now when there is nothing to fear at this moment? And that is exactly the awareness you must maintain. You must narrow your focus sufficiently so that you are able to know and feel the security of this very moment.
When we face challenging interactions, we frequently put all of our emotional energy into what may possibly happen in the future. We are not taught that staying in this very present moment makes it possible to experience the feeling of safety. In the next moment, when you may be facing that person who can make comments that are painful, narrow your focus so that with each sentence, even each word, you are able to tell yourself "in this instant I am okay."
People often say, but I'm not okay. My response is it is okay to say, "I'm okay" even when you don't feel it. You are now teaching yourself that you can be okay AND have your fear. You can be in the midst of a stressful event, a painful confrontation and still be okay. First you must teach yourself that it really is okay to feel okay, even in the midst of a painful experience.
Breathe. You are okay.
How can I take care of myself right now when there is nothing to fear at this moment? And that is exactly the awareness you must maintain. You must narrow your focus sufficiently so that you are able to know and feel the security of this very moment.
When we face challenging interactions, we frequently put all of our emotional energy into what may possibly happen in the future. We are not taught that staying in this very present moment makes it possible to experience the feeling of safety. In the next moment, when you may be facing that person who can make comments that are painful, narrow your focus so that with each sentence, even each word, you are able to tell yourself "in this instant I am okay."
People often say, but I'm not okay. My response is it is okay to say, "I'm okay" even when you don't feel it. You are now teaching yourself that you can be okay AND have your fear. You can be in the midst of a stressful event, a painful confrontation and still be okay. First you must teach yourself that it really is okay to feel okay, even in the midst of a painful experience.
Breathe. You are okay.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Taking Care of the Therapist
Because I have made a commitment to work with challenging clients, I must take care of myself as well. There are the obvious ways in which I care for myself: setting clear boundaries so that the client knows when he/she can reach me and being clear how long I will talk on the phone. There is also the scheduling of appointments, and, of course, there is support and guidance from friends and professional colleagues.
There are also the not so obvious steps of giving myself a vacation. I must watch the red flags to know when I must schedule a day or several days of pampering. During this past week I have been annoyed at small matters and irritable with friends. I saw the warnings. I realized this annoyance is not about the challenges but about needing some self care.
I made arrangements to attend a seminar in a nearby city for a brief vacation. Preparing for this break includes doing the on-line search of restaurants, cultural events and farmers markets. Before I leave, making plans gets me ready to relax.
It is important for people working and/or living with people with challenging symptoms schedule time to be kind to themselves. Planning this brief vacation is pleasurable. Meanwhile, I have my daily routine of self-care: Healthy meals, cookbooks and other fun reading and caring for my dog (an important support system). I also have a regular routine of yoga and meditation.
Self-care involves the everyday tools for maintaining my health as well as breaking the routine with various interventions including travel, massage and conversations with friends.
Keep breathing!
There are also the not so obvious steps of giving myself a vacation. I must watch the red flags to know when I must schedule a day or several days of pampering. During this past week I have been annoyed at small matters and irritable with friends. I saw the warnings. I realized this annoyance is not about the challenges but about needing some self care.
I made arrangements to attend a seminar in a nearby city for a brief vacation. Preparing for this break includes doing the on-line search of restaurants, cultural events and farmers markets. Before I leave, making plans gets me ready to relax.
It is important for people working and/or living with people with challenging symptoms schedule time to be kind to themselves. Planning this brief vacation is pleasurable. Meanwhile, I have my daily routine of self-care: Healthy meals, cookbooks and other fun reading and caring for my dog (an important support system). I also have a regular routine of yoga and meditation.
Self-care involves the everyday tools for maintaining my health as well as breaking the routine with various interventions including travel, massage and conversations with friends.
Keep breathing!
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