still wearing the mask

Cabin fever and how many more days of this!

I've baked.  I've  made casseroles and my freezer is almost too full for another marathon of brownies, mac and cheese and mushroom pasta.  Sigh.

Now the innovations:  that long shower that might be walking in the rain.  The risky task of cutting my bangs.  Wow!  I didn't know my hair was really grey.  There are so many self-care tasks I have completed - trimming my toe nails, doing a facial and painting (and then removing) my fingernails that strange puce.

Breathe.  Walk slowly around the interior of  my condo and watching old Astaire-Rogers films.  The good changes are that I am becoming more patient with my cooking - I am actually following each recipe closely and the results are yummy.

Breathe.  Take a nap and take the dog for a short walk.  Remember we will get through this challenge and we will actually be stronger and smarter when the restrictions have ended.

Sending virtual hugs to all my readers.

June Already!

Semester is complete and the schedule for the next semester has been shared. Now I've got to find a spot for a real vacation. Every break I've taken this year has been for family events or for continuing education activities and there has been little time for me to sit and simply breathe. As I suggest, taking time to have "nothing to do" is a true luxury we forget is a key element of good health. I have been running so much, taking care of so many tasks that I have been unable to do more than a brief sitting (meditation) every day.

I wanted to go to Tassajara - a lovely retreat center run by the San Francisco Zen Center located about 60 miles east of Monterey. I was advised that summer is NOT the time to visit - it is HOT and there is no air conditioning. Then I planned to visit my favorite simple and not expensive spa in Mexico. It's closing! Sob. The political situation in Mexico and the economy have impacted the program terribly. They don't plan to re-open.

What does one do when the options are daily becoming more limited? At this moment a "staycation" holds great appeal. Low cost, there are innumerable resources in Los Angeles that I have never explored and I won't have to worry about passport, air fare or hotel rates.

Taking care of the therapist is as essential to providing good services to my clients as it is to supporting my own good health.

Grading papers, paying bills and watching birds

Yep. It's been one of those days - weeks. The papers are great and I have to finish all the reading before 5pm tomorrow. Sigh. I also have three appointments and in the midst of all of this work I have learned that a special friend has died.

She was funny and energetic and she introduced me to birding. I never thought I would enjoy standing in the tall grass waiting for that single winged creature to light on the branch hanging over our hidden spot. She took me with a group of serious birders and I discovered following those creatures could be an exciting adventure.

For most birders, it's about collecting a list of birds they have actually seen. For me it has become a much simpler venture - proof that the world is filled with creatures that I can actually find and view even in my own backyard. I am always amazed when I have seen a feathered friend that is rare and generally not found in this location. I love the feeling that I am part of something so much larger than myself and completely out of my control. After a morning (it is always very early when you can spot those unique birds) waiting for a specific creature to land, I am motivated to be more aware of how my behavior impacts their world. While it may sound trite, birding is a powerful influence on my environmental consciousness.

So this message is a thank you to my friend who died this week. She will continue to live through the birding I include in my days.

Summer Plans!?

Already? I've been told it's important to have an activity or event to anticipate. It could be going to the JPL open house next week and satisfying that part of me that has fantasies of exploring a whole untouched and in known world.

And then there's the plan to take a five-day retreat in the forests near Monterey and Carmel. Such a beautiful area in which to sit quietly with no access to phone or internet.

In today's world of constant conflict, it is important for us to take care of ourselves in every possible way. We live in very stressful times. Our relationships are challenging and the world outside our safety zone is constantly changing. We must be strong enough to tolerate those unknown events that we confront daily.

Even something as simple as listening a a favorite piece of music or looking at a favorite piece of art provide a momentary sanctuary from the intensity of the world in which we are living. Choosing simple pleasures regularly make it possible to manage those challenges that are also thrown at us everyday.

Today as I walked the dog I passed a van for a floor finishing business. The van was covered with a famous impressionist painting that is one of my favorites. What a spark of pleasure and humor viewing that truck gave me. And because I was aware of that moment of positive feelings, I was able to handle the three intense calls I have managed this afternoon.

Be aware of those moments of pleasure when they happen. It is those moments that make the rest of the intensity tolerable.

Procrastination

Putting things off, waiting for the right time and looking for the correct tools for the job. All because we expect certain things of ourselves.

All the descriptions used to explain why a task is not completed, a call not made or a decision is postponed. There are so many pressures on us to perform, to participate and to be present for too many things. Everyday.

Now that we are looking forward to the twelve months ahead isn't it better to look at the possible and the doable and remember that we can perform very well when we do the very best job possible at this very moment.

Expectations are terrible. They get in the way of simply being present and doing the most effective job possible. When we expect a specific outcome we are projecting our view into the future and we are not staying in the present with completion of the task at hand. Expectations are based on something that may have happened in the past and may possibly happen in the future BUT is not happening at this very moment.

Allow yourself to stay in the present and enjoy the process of performing a task with the best skills we have at this moment.

Breathe.

She's quiting. Again

That's what happens with my clients. It's hard work. They begin to feel a little stronger, better and even begin to experience a little joy and then life rears it's ugly head and it all feels too much. The desire to shop - not a little nickel dime shopping but some big thousand dollar splurges - or the urge to do some type of self harm - cut or burn - or the desire to break the three month sobriety all become overwhelming.

All of which is part of the process of getting better. Those urges will be there AND in order to continue the healing process my clients MUST sit with that awful feeling. The wonderful part of sitting with that awful urge is that they do survive the urge. Even when it is at its strongest and most painful, the client can choose to maintain her/his sobriety or her abstinence from the harmful behavior.

She or he is stronger for having sat with the urge and has even earned the right to be very proud of her or him self for taking such good care. Getting better is not easy and is not pain-free, but it can be very freeing and the client learns how to be proud of him/herself for such healthy behavior. Oh, yes, she got through that urge to break her sobriety and kept her next appointment.

Summertime and the living is stressful

Anxiety is high. Expectations get in the way of simply being present with the gifts of today. I must remind myself and be willing to believe that everything truly is okay. My mortgage is current, there is food in the fridge and I can afford to put gas in the car. Sure, I'd love to drive a newer car - after all my car is almost 15 years old and it would be great to have that lovely remodeled bathroom but the things that matter are really alright.

Alright and okay are very powerful places to be. Fantastic and fabulous and spectacular are rare and not very comfortable. Alright, okay and tolerable are solid and enduring. These conditions last a long time and can carry you through times when you are struggling with the unpredictable and unknown future.

Know that you have gotten through times that are equally stressful or more so and you can get through the unpredictable events that lay ahead. Predictability is just as boring as perfection. Embrace the unknown and allow yourself to grow stronger in the experience of tolerating what you cannot control.

Breathe.

Hangin' In while I'm Hangin' In

Still no travel orders! Sigh. However, there is a great event this weekend: the Yellow Ribbon pre-deployment and return support program sponsored by the Army for military families. These are wonderful events where individuals get to learn there are other families experiencing the same stresses they are feeling.

And I get to talk to them about ways to manage these feelings. Breathe. Yes, that is one of the tools I discuss at length. Simply slowing down sufficiently to experience a slow, easy breath can be one of the most healing tools anyone can use.

Breathing is the one thing I must continue to remind myself to do these days. On the one hand I am waiting to hear about my assignment and at this moment not even sure it will materialize. On the other hand, I am focusing simply on being right here in the present moment. The one benefit I have received from this uncomfortable waiting is the knowledge that my clients can see the tools I am teaching in actual use.

Breathe. You are fine, in this moment, in this very place. No words are needed only gentle silence.

A New Year

What a year of changes! Both professional and personal aspects of my life have changed,become richer and more satisfying. If I were asked to identify only one experience that has enhanced my life in 2009 I would have to identify the work with soldiers and their families.

I have learned so much about integrity and bravery and my own sense of patriotism has been refined. I am more thoughtful and circumspect. I find myself responding with more awareness to issues on which I previously had fixed opinions. I look forward to working with more soldiers and the significant people in their lives in this coming year.

As this new year opens it is possible to face it with apprehension about tasks yet undone or with fear about the unknown and unexpected and those negative feelings would get in the way of simply owning this present moment. All we ever really have is this very moment here. Energy invested in the possibility of what might happen or on the other hand focusing on assignments not completed takes our awareness away from what is really happening in the present.

Breathe and accept this moment as all that we ever need or own. Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to the creatures - all sentient beings - in your life. And, most important of all, laugh.

Hello from the woods!

The intensity of the past few days reminds me that as far as we may be from Afghanistan or Iraq or Bosnia we are all touched by the lives that are disrupted in those and all the other conflicts occurring around the globe.

It is important to remember that we can make a difference for both our soldiers here at home and abroad and for ourselves. We can make a difference by being kind to each other, by understanding we all experience confusion and pain about the events at Ft. Hood or at the office building in Orlando or the lack of services from the telephone company. We can't take the gun away from the person racing through the office building but we can look at our own anger and take control of those intense feelings.

When we take responsibility for our own feelings, we are able to show our children that anger does not require destructive behavior. We show ourselves and our loved ones that negative emotions can not only be controlled but can be channeled into constructive action.

The most important way in which we can care for ourselves is by being kind to ourselves, being gentle during these painfully stressful times. Those non- judgmental behaviors will spread beyond ourselves to everyone we touch. Sometimes a pebble in a pond can create a tsunami. The wave of easy, soft feelings we share can soothe others' firey pain.

Breathe

NC Summer Heat, Breathing, Yoga

Maintaining my yoga and sitting practice is a challenge here. The temperature, the numbers of meetings I must attend AND the Southern cooking (issue for another post)and without those breaks, working in this environment is not easy. And the summer heat adds to my own stress.

Keeping up my yoga and sitting practice make it easier for me to deal with the silly things I find myself in the midst of every day: I can not easily find my way around this base. I count the day a major success when I don't get lost at least once.

When I haven't done yoga, I find myself expressing my stress in painful ways: last week I smashed my thumb in the car door. Oh, I'm okay but it was another reminder that I had not taken the time to just breathe and really figure out where I was supposed to go before heading out of the car to find out where I was! Then the day I arrived back at the hotel in the midst of that torrential rain storm, I locked my keys in the car.

Everything turned out fine. I learned my lesson and I am now signing off in order to do some yoga and sit.

Keep breathing.

Rest & Recreation

It's time for me to get away. After the number of meltdowns to which I have been an active observer, I need to find a space where I can find some silence.
My yoga and sitting practices make it possible for me to continue to work with these clients, there comes a time when I need a space away from phones, car sounds and the phone. I a peace that is both internal and external. This type of break is essential to continuing to care for my clients.

I am able to remain calm and even quiet when a client in my office is traversing an emotionally overwhelming experience. I can feel their pain and I can validate them for the intensity of what they are feeling. And I must take care of myself so I can continue to offer that support.

I am searching for a spot where I can simply attend to my physical needs and allow my psychic health to be enhanced by quiet, good food and beautiful space. This location must also be within easy access by car. I may have found it. Now anticipating confirmation is part of my pleasure in planning for my essential break from work.

So I simply breathe and take care of myself.

What Makes a Lie a Lie?

What makes a statement a lie? First there is the obvious - the information given is not accurate. The most frustrating lie though comes from information withheld. Figuring out the truth in a statement that is not factual is often easier than understanding what is accurate when the speaker has not responded completely.

I have been chewing on this topic for several days as I work with various degrees of accuracy I hear from my clients. How do I teach these individuals to communicate with integrity? I request accuracy; responses are factual and without judgment. No value assigned to information provided. I direct people to reframe statements so that they include only accurate details without judgment. Emotions can be a powerful influence on honesty.

To learn clear truthful communication, examine the following thoughts. What does it mean to be honest with yourself? How can you be truthful and care for yourself if you are always worrying about taking care of someone else? The only way to guarantee your own integrity is always to be accurate in communication with yourself. The place from which to initiate integrity for yourself is with yourself. We can't always depend on genuine honesty from other people, but we must be able to invest in the truths we tell ourselves.

Telephone Calls: To Answer or Not

The phone sounds that double ring that lets me know it's client. Two doctors on Grey's Anatomy are just debating going into the on-call room. We all know what that means. AND I have to answer the phone?

That's my own debate. I know how to talk to my clients, how to reassure them and how to discourage them from doing anything to hurt themselves. Is it fair that I should now interrupt my evening to use these skills? Of course I do answer the phone. They know I will stay on the phone for only ten minutes. As a result, they present their problems concisely and immediately.
After she has described her crisis, I ask my client what she has done to take care of herself. Right Now. We discuss suggested alternatives from her skills notebook. She is usually able to offer steps that are exactly right for her.

While I serve as a sounding board, these telephone calls give the client an opportunity to experience her own power in managing intense pain. Once we have identified a satisfactory solution and agreed on action she will take, the telephone call ends. She has found mastery and feels safe. In ten minutes or less, my client has found a way to tolerate her pain, in the moment.

Oh, yes, at the conclusion of this conversation, I am able to pick up Grey's Anatomy where it was paused. Because it is recorded, I avoid advertising and can answer those calls without missing the guilty pleasure of that wonderfully mindless fluff.

Lying Part III: Does it Really Matter?

What happens when a client lies? How do I feel if I suspect s/he is not telling me the truth? Will this inaccurate information get in the way of my working with her or him?

I have a client who regularly exaggerates events in her life. She tells me about the elegant Hollywood parties she is catering. I want to accept this report a factual but she is unable to tell me about the menu or the kitchen in which she will cook. As a former caterer, I have suspicions that this party may not exist.

Another woman reveals only limited information about events in her life. This omission is another form of lying. I am unable to effectively support her in learning to solve problems in her relationships or employment. How effective can I be as a professional, as her counselor, if she does not give me a valid picture of her life?

When I call her on not giving me a complete picture, she stated she wants me to see her as managing her life. I wonder out loud, since everything is going so well, what purpose is served in seeking my support?

Her answer does not produce more accurate information but does motivate her to tell me that she’s afraid she’ll be rejected if she’s not perfect. I don’t use the term "lying" when I discuss the way these clients provide information. I use the concept integrity. For me, Integrity is the foundation for all healthy relationships.

Computer Crash or Sometimes Everything Seems Wrong and It Still Turns Out Okay

How do I explain to my clients that I - strong, grounded, centered clinician - must learn how to manage the problems of a system for which you have no control? The issue arose because my hard drive crashed and now I have to resolve a problem not of my making. My only choice in the midst of this problem was how I would handle it.

First, before throwing the machine across the room, I took a deep breath and focused on what I could do at that moment. I sat and reminded myself to simply breathe. I wanted to get myself out of the fury mode and into this very moment here. The silence was calming.

Silence is a luxury. Our minds are an organ not unlike our hearts or our lungs which are part of the autonomic nervous system. The heart beats and the lungs bring air into out bodies without our telling them to work and our brains think.

We have the capacity to slow down the beating of the heart and the intake of air by focusing on inhaling and exhaling. We have the capacity to control the intensity. Controlling the constant flow of thoughts through our minds is very similar: our brains are built to think therefore thoughts flow through, usually in a disorganized fashion.

To create some quiet, we must first recognize that our brains are doing what they are supposed to do. We aim to gain silence between thoughts. When a thought comes in, we acknowledge the idea and let it go. It takes practice. Again and again we turn our mind back to the space between thoughts. And that space between thoughts, the silence, grows so that we have more quiet than thoughts.

The final outcome is that the hard drive just died. the good news is there was NO virus so after my computer maven did his magic, I received a new hard drive and have rejoined the cyber world.

Breathe. Allow the cool calm light to enter your lungs. Release any tension that may remain in your chest and belly. Breathe and lighten up.

What Makes a Lie a Lie?

Sometimes the simplest statement can open a whole can of worms. Questions rise out of the words that are spoken and the listener wonders if the information shared is true. What makes a statement a lie? First there is the obvious - the information given is not accurate. The most frustrating lie though comes from information withheld. Figuring out the truth in a statement that is not factual is often easier than understanding what is accurate when the speaker has not responded completely.

I have been chewing on this topic for several days as I work with various degrees of inaccuracy in my clients. How do I teach these individuals to communicate with integrity? I request accuracy; responses must be factual without judgment, without assigning values. And I direct people to reframe statements so that they include only the facts without emotional content. Emotions can be a powerful influence on honesty.

To learn clear truthful communication, examine the following thoughts. What does it mean to be honest with yourself? How can you be truthful and care for yourself if you are always worrying what the other person thinks? The only way to guarantee your own integrity is always to be factual and accurate with yourself. The place from which to initiate integrity for yourself is with yourself. We can't always depend on genuine honesty from other people but we must be able to rely on our own truthfulness.

Keep breathing.

Taking Risks

Which one is harder? Finding a new job or finding the right place to live? Yes being is love is hard but that's a whole other type of challenge and that experience involves sharing and willingness on the part of two people to communicate.

Having a job and a place to live are basic needs that must be met before you can do the hard work of managing painful emotions. In order to learn how to live with intense emotions, you need a living space that makes you feel safe.

If you are sharing your living space (not a partner, but a roommate) with someone who understands your privacy it is because you communicated your needs. Expressing your basic needs in a shared space begins with your knowing what you must have. For example, if you are someone who needs quiet after 10pm, you must be willing to state that priority and you must hear your roommate's desires as well so that you share healthy, supportive environment.

Make a list of what is important to you in your living space and in the individual with whom you will share that space. Sometimes you must make adjustments to your priorities. For example you may find the perfect physical space in the right neighborhood but you must also be comfortable with the person with whom you will be sharing space. What are you both willing to give in order to live together?

Be willing to compromise. Stick to your own values. Take care of yourself and stay mindful of what really matters to you. Know yourself and what is important to you.

Keep breathing.

Stay in the Moment

Sometimes we know the appointment scheduled for 2:30 on Wednesday is going to be really painful. We wonder how we will get through it. And there we go: projecting into the future what might happen, what awful things will be said and (especially) how horrible we are going to feel. First, you must understand that the event is not happening at this very moment. And, naturally, you will ask: shouldn't I be prepared for that tough experience? The best preparation is take care of yourself in this very moment.

How can I take care of myself right now when there is nothing to fear at this moment? And that is exactly the awareness you must maintain. You must narrow your focus sufficiently so that you are able to know and feel the security of this very moment.

When we face challenging interactions, we frequently put all of our emotional energy into what may possibly happen in the future. We are not taught that staying in this very present moment makes it possible to experience the feeling of safety. In the next moment, when you may be facing that person who can make comments that are painful, narrow your focus so that with each sentence, even each word, you are able to tell yourself "in this instant I am okay."

People often say, but I'm not okay. My response is it is okay to say, "I'm okay" even when you don't feel it. You are now teaching yourself that you can be okay AND have your fear. You can be in the midst of a stressful event, a painful confrontation and still be okay. First you must teach yourself that it really is okay to feel okay, even in the midst of a painful experience.

Breathe. You are okay.

Taking Care of the Therapist

Because I have made a commitment to work with challenging clients, I must take care of myself as well. There are the obvious ways in which I care for myself: setting clear boundaries so that the client knows when he/she can reach me and being clear how long I will talk on the phone. There is also the scheduling of appointments, and, of course, there is support and guidance from friends and professional colleagues.

There are also the not so obvious steps of giving myself a vacation. I must watch the red flags to know when I must schedule a day or several days of pampering. During this past week I have been annoyed at small matters and irritable with friends. I saw the warnings. I realized this annoyance is not about the challenges but about needing some self care.

I made arrangements to attend a seminar in a nearby city for a brief vacation. Preparing for this break includes doing the on-line search of restaurants, cultural events and farmers markets. Before I leave, making plans gets me ready to relax.

It is important for people working and/or living with people with challenging symptoms schedule time to be kind to themselves. Planning this brief vacation is pleasurable. Meanwhile, I have my daily routine of self-care: Healthy meals, cookbooks and other fun reading and caring for my dog (an important support system). I also have a regular routine of yoga and meditation.

Self-care involves the everyday tools for maintaining my health as well as breaking the routine with various interventions including travel, massage and conversations with friends.

Keep breathing!